Austria: The Planning

I remember writing "menziarahi kakak" on the borang cuti before handing it to my Boss and felt a tiny bit guilty, even though it's not far from the actual reason ...which is to stroll and travel around While my sister is still there. because at least for me, she wasn't the priority sdjhskdhkjd I mean, thanks for concurrently being there? :P jk

until my boss read it and the guilt ...doubled. 

after asking a few basic questions, he really went "ini bukan menziarahi kakak, yinniii melancongg" and then laughed to himself. oh my God no, it's not funny? not when I was breaking a sweat standing there like a weary poll sjbhdsmhd PLS I can't believe I got busted after a FEW BASIC questions. no more concealing my actual intention on that borang after this. period. 

and pls don't ask me why I didn't just write 'melancong' on the form. I wasn't gonna try and risk it from getting rejected T________T sesungguhnya saya hanyalah insan yang lemah. haha

walking out from the office, gurl really thought she had passed through the biggest hurdle of this plan.

until kak anih came into the picture like:

uhhhh, she and her lassst minuteee waaaaayyyyssss.

now it's exactly two weeks before our travel date and ...we still haven't booked our accommodation. hdjkksadj this is worrying. but has also tremendously improved my Tawakkal. if I had written this two weeks ago when I first dealt with Kak Anih, I would have smashed the keyboard to spit a lot of bad words, heck, it'd just be me ranting for three long paragraphs but now im just... whatever~

dia macam ye lah lantak ko lah. hahaha *laughs nervously*

but for the most parts, I really enjoyed planning the itinerary. It was a lot to take in tbh, especially when I knew nothing abt the country, not even from a single media before this. the transportations, the culture, the places, none.

I discovered Hallstatt myself through this, before kak anih even mentioned it to me to add it into the list. that's how clueless (also how disinterested) I was about the country. it wasn't in my wildest dream to have visited a country that has so many hidden gems that only now I knew (hidden from me at least LOL)

and todaaaay, after letting this entry rot in the draft for weeks..... it's D-Day!

(legit posting this in the airport)

Faith Events: Dr Omar Suleiman

 a quick update!

i opened my instagram that day, after going back and forth installing and uninstalling it (that's how determined i was to get rid of social media, although now the determination is gone GONE lol) and there it was!! the announcement. or the poster, whatever, which i never even knew, trust me, it's the first time i learned about faith events, or that Omar Suleiman was here before.

took no time to ask around but since none of my friend was able to go, i went alone. well, not so alone with my Kindle! brought so many book characters with meeee. tbh that was the only chance i got to spare for reading pun, because gosh, if not for this chance, that Kindle was better... off without me. finished a book and a half though, and that's what i would call a weekend well-spent!

Dr Omar Suleiman? ah don't get me started! i stumbled upon his podcast when i was bored, idk, and i instantly got hooked on The Firsts Series by him on Spotify. go check them out! if you love Sirah as much as I do (i figured i love Sirah because i just love listening to stories, never fail to intrigue me!) you better check them out!

I could never really focus in such setting. until the day I attended this event. wrote a whole 20+ pages listening to him actively. and this came from someone who always fell asleep during agama class, dari sekolah rendah way to college, im not even kidding (well, not surprised because look at me *stares in the mirror up and down and shakes head in disappointment*) 

i went back that weekend with so many resolves but if they were a list, none of them is checked, yet lol btw he's such an excellent speaker i think it'd do good if everyone could listen to him. there are probably parts of what he said that i didn't instantly agree with, but that's for me to ponder upon because if there's one fact i know, it's him being way more knowledgeable than me, i don't even dare but im proud that im at least... thinking. the more i think, the more i trace how our faith should work and i pray nothing but the best for me in this regard. well, aren't we all?

i'll add the picturessss later when im free lol  

Diari Ramadhan Hasanah Part II

"Hasanah!"

I tossed and turned. uhmm, this bed's so cosy.

"Hasanah!!!!"

tossed and turned again... now with a slow grunt because ...okay. I know I promised you Mak, but it's still so early... it's only.. *double tapped the phone to see the time* te... TEN!?!?!?

never had I jolted out of bed to dash into the kitchen that quickly and I really stood in front of her to process what she had baked without my presence, alone, at her old age. eyes still squinting.

"Mak gerak kamu dari tadi!! tak bangun bangun"

and I died a little inside. dang you Hasanah, how could you.

but I felt way worse when I saw her almost finishing the kuih she made. ...Mak... maybe I should have just died then. How could I? (◞‸◟) I immediately said an innumerable amount of sorry, wash myself at a lightning speed, took a seat and asked, "okay Mak, now what's next?"

She jeling me. but it's okay, I deserved it.

seriously, how did she do it? she woke up for Qiyam, went for Subuh berjemaah, so what? she probably started all of that at 8-9am right? so how did she do it? I woke up for Qiyam and I struggled to even open my eyes for Subuh (◞‸◟)

 
however, the other kuih ship had to sail, and it won't sail if she continues to merajuk. Therefore, to make her my bestfriend again, I reminded and praised her how she's such a superwoman, unlike me who's weak, lazy and ungrateful. there's nothing I could do at this point other than acknowledging my fault which isㅡ breaking my promise with her, leaving her alone to make the kuih. I knew I am Mak's carbon copy and it's in our blood that our type can't be angry for long. Hence, the ship sailed. quickly. tq Mak for being my Mak. I love you. 

I even created one core memory while doing this with her. it was mak and I dancing and singing to a song while moulding the kuih. just two domestic women enjoying the time in the kitchen. what a time to be alive! 

all of this and you'd think im the worst daughter ...until we are onto our third kuih and there came farhan hanis looking dejected just like I was two hours before and I shook my head with a jeling to her like I didn't commit the same fault. lol

a carbon copy is a carbon copy indeed.

we proceeded to sing together as we made our fourth kuih, now with the added member farhan hanis ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)♪

the mess in our kitchen.

Diari Ramadhan Hasanah part I

but will there ever be a part II? lol looking at my regular pattern of not continuing any of my series that I started randomly, then ...I don't think so.

anyway, a day before Ramadhan, (and this is a TMI) I wrote in my diary that I did not have any excitement over what's coming. there's so much going on in my life and in this world to even think about it. I don't know how much of a difference it is compared to last year's, it just felt like it was another month for me. but oh, was I a fool.

Ramadhan doesn't need ME for it to be special. It will continue to offer so much regardless of my excitement. therefore whether i 'feel' it or not, I don't think I'd ever want to miss them, the rewards I mean. Rather than forcing myself, I just think that it would be a waste to throw away an opportunity to bask myself in the Berkah this month has to offer, even by doing the simplest good deed. 

so yeah, sorry Miss Farhan, you are not special. and yeah, investing for your Akhirat when your deeds aren't that much is something you MUST do, not SHOULD do. quickly after, I istighfar and tajdid my niat.  I NEED Ramadhan. Ramadhan doesn't need me（╹◡╹）(that's on why I love reflective writing!)

and Alhamdulillah it has been a blast since.

Life is just as hectic, the world continues to prove itself to be nothing but a menace, with Gaza still getting bombed left and right, 

but hey, look up.

It's Ramadhan. we may be powerless but with Du'a, with our own Jihad against our own Nafs, or just simply doing our best at work, insyaAllah, those too shall count as our efforts. Himnae-ra ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

the diari Ramadhan Hasanah would be, hm, does religiously filling my "days in pixel" with colours everyday count ʕʘ‿ʘʔ idk idk I am sure I can do better. Days before the last 10 days should be a marathon and the latter should be a sprint. but am I even at the starting line? *smile dejectedly* im sure im somewhere still tying my shoe lace........ 

ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

One thing I know for sure is my housemates, Kak Amy, Kak Syaza, and everyone else around me has been making me happy... Alhamdulillah. walaupun I don't deserve their hospitality ...... ....... .. u___u ok bai tak reti nak sendu in public lol

p/s: I am writing this en route to sekgoq via ETS heeee #futuremeshouldremember

holidaaaaays (update!!)

idc what anyone says but I live everyday counting months, weeks and days to school holidaaays. any holiday really. it's the BIG (definitely not little) thing that gets me going in this life. uwu.

this long holiday, there was no big plan. the only plan I had that I knew I wanted to do was going to ESCAPE. and so I did. thankfully hanis sofia was as eager to gooo because I don't see myself going there alone, no matter how much I told myself that I actually could. most importantly, hanis enjoyed it so much! all the adventure and sky plays were so funnnnn, i might actually turn it into a yearly visit. haha ...ha ha.

and ofc shoutout to my high school friendsssss that definitely made my holidays much moreeee enjoyable. They cured sth in me I didn't think needed a cure. badminton, hiking, just chatting away, shopping, kenduri. tbh I have never had that many friends to go out with at once here in Penang. I probably prayed for it, back when my family teased me. now I can bark "look, these are real people going out with me every day, and they are none other but my friends!" shkdshhdjd JK but that would probably stop them from teasing me that i have no friends... kan kan. haha

and then with Mak. not so much with Abah because he's toooo preoccupied this time around.............. i might sign him up for next PM.....

anyway with Mak, I got her featured in my diary and I will treasure it forever. for.e.ver. we also went out for a lot of datesssss, coffee dates. the barista at this one cafe must have recognized our faces already, but... it's okay i dah nak balik dah :(

and every day without fail i akan walk alone to soak in the feeling of being grateful for the people and the things I do and encounter. this time around i balik i promised myself not to drop even a little tear. over kan. macam la I kerja London jahsjahjsjdhj one day maybe wahahaha tapi still, let's see how I fare :P

(Update!!) - it's been a weeeeek and i shed no tear at all. uwu. hahaha big part of it must have been sbb mak teman i balik duduk sebelah hihi btw tomorrow's first day of school, pray for my peace of mind sbb i taknak feel restless anymore. i wanna put more trust in my colleagues haha

Taking Care of a Bunch of 17-year-olds

I did the Maths. So when I was seventeen, these bunch of seventeen-year-olds in front of me were eight. EIGHT. *stares into distance in disbelief*

Anyway, I didn’t let that get the better of me, because age is just a number and if I see them having fun, I can, too, you know? Age is just a number.

But they weren’t having fun when I saw them just sitting, chatting away. And that bothered me for a reason I couldn’t explain.

I knew I wasn’t obligated to make suggestions of what they could do while they were on this quarantine period and I don’t think I was even allowed to, but they weren’t doing anything— anything fun and I couldn’t just let that be.

Therefore I took no time to composedly proposed a game, pretending I wasn't excited for them. especially when they chorally answered "Nak!!" in unison. eheh. now, onto the game! it's a game where I think they could experience a sense of betrayal from people whom they thought were they friends, a game that would make them look lame if they lose their cool, a game where everyone needs to carefully think, a game those our age are probably familiar with—

Werewolf and Citizens! *flashes a mischievous smile behind a curtain*

It didn’t surprise me that they haven’t heard of it, but I was touched for a second when I was explaining the rules, because woah, I am really going to be this one teacher they remember every time they play this game throughout their life. That’s. so. cool. Haha

And y’all, the quarantine period was from morning until 2pm, and they played the game the ENTIRE time. Shdsjjdksd I wasn’t expecting that. And I felt bad to be That teacher that had to control their noises bc as you know, this game can get INTENSE.

but the unexpected comradery I saw as they were playing it, the funny banter among them, the one two girls smiling sheepishly at the corner, the one boy who seems to be the heartthrob of this class, and me, looking at them.. had had me wishing I could be 17 again... *cooly wiped my fake tears in front of the whiteboard*

the quarantine room aka makmal sains

finally hitting the gym

is it the dopamine? probably. but am I proud? heck yes. haha idc I might just stop hitting the gym once I just ~don't feel like it~ anymore but pls do pray I would at least keep it going this whole month. lol

I usually (read: seldomly) exercised at night before, until I noticed "oh? exercising in the morning is not that bad?" during my December holiday last year. 

really, Hasanah, what have you been doing in the morning all this time? *squinting eyes, judging*

........well uhm aaaaaa uhmmm tidoq? *clasp hands nervously* 

JK. I did take a nap and it's definitely not a sleep, not when I have so many on my plates. cei.

but whatever to that because this year I already decided I wanted turn over a new leaf which is... hitting the gym ......in the morning. *slips hair behind my ear looking proud*

is there any change so far though? idk but one thing I note is I just don't sleep, sorry, NAP in the morning anymore. (I probably should!)

the gym is nice and simple. besides, barely anyone is there in the morning. and I go there with a mission. a goal. weight goal. I know I already shed off 15kg but it's... not... let's just say I have not reached my ideal weight yet and I eat like a possessed gurl every day gahsaahshahs

phew. a whole month okay? and it's only been a week. another three weeks! I got this! insyaAllah.

I moved out!

one day, as I was sitting down trying to finish my work, I looked around to judge my room layout (dia mcm tibbbeerrrr kan?) and I felt ... naaaaaa... I think it's about time to redo all of it.

that almari? shouldn't be there.

this katil? better be here. 

bla bla bla. 

and so I stood up, walked to the almari, tried to shift it. and if it weren't for the back side of the almari yg dh obviously brittle, I would have had a brand-new room. it turned out that that almari can't be moved, ever. or it would topple over and everybody would find me squeezed under it the next day. 

so I macam hm, what should I do now?

Honestly my laptop was probably glaring at me shouting "Well, DO ME?!!?!" that I had no choice but to sit down again, pouting, 'ala, bosanlah layout bilik ni' >.> *aggressively typed on the laptop* dasar ungrateful but whatever. 

and then guess what? shortly after, my landlord dropped a notice saying we had until January to move out because the house was then sold. 

ah, perfect.

so I giddily searched for a new room to rent and here I am tonight! in my newwww rooooom! Alhamdulillah! (I wish it was this easy without the sudden emotional realisation that I was Actually leaving the FIRST room I rented *wipetears*)

there's nothing really interesting pun, just a new fresh view but if there's one thing I have learned, it's... to not put a big-ass carpet or it'll be so dang hard to sweep your lantai. pls, every time I needed to clean my old room, I had to gather a magical strength to move the bed, the study table, the rak, before I could get the carpet off my floor. such unnecessary hassle. no more. just a nice lil carpet would do. (so yeah sorry Alyn, the carpet u bought for me is now safe with my sister u.u)

for now I am loving my new room and the new house.

but I wish people could have warned me how moving out is a super extreme sport. like, bruh I cried. but that too, had come to pass so I no longer mind it... (plus there's nothing I could do about it + I ASKED for it anyway haha) if anything, it had taught me not to buy massive furniture until I own a house.  

besides, they have a gym and a swimming poool hereeeeee. now aside from getting a new room, I can also come up with a new routineeeee??? insyaAllah. haha

bye!