Volunteering?

Alyn told me, "we are not volunteering, we are paid LOL" ...right miss. I know, I am aware of that. but God, you don't need to say that out loud come on... 

*whispers* nobody's gonna know.

Alright jk of course people know. I at least acknowledge that I wouldn't sign up for this if not for the money (lbr I need it walaupun tak byk pun ya kawan-kawan) but to say it's solely because of that pun macam amboiiii? and maybe because it's been a few days now, it never really crossed my mind if I am getting paid or not (trust issue ahaha)

BUT, I know one thing I needed was to be productive. therefore this was the opportunity that I didn't wanna let go. Especially then when my social skill was like back to when I was a toddler. *shrugs* It's been so long right.... who is you, who are me, where are us? Eh eh hahaha

Besides, like I wrote in my last entry, the boredom was gobbling me up and if I didn't do anything about it ...I would have probably turned into a crazy wench who tweets tweets like "beKsiN agEndA yaHudi koWunx!!😤" OR "i love keraja*n😍"

so phewwwwwwww. good grace. *lap peluh*

For this work, I am stationed at the counter where most clerical work is done to confirm vaccinees' identities. There were times when we had foreigners from China and thanks to Alyn, now I am probably at level 1 in conversing in Mandarin (Kids, level 1 is just knowing nin hao right? *stares curiously* *gulps* No?) Anyway, the star of the day was Alyn who takes a weekly Mandarin class, not me so *claps claps* 

Moreover, I LOVE love my carpooling session with Alyn because we always have something to laugh over everyday (usually of everyone's banter of the day) and I care less about how I always gasp for air wearing my mask as long as I can let out my laugh... I guess. welps. not until we laughed over that, too, because I was half-dying for more air LMAO

Anyway, from this I am finally learning how to socialize again, feel how to bear a commitment again, build my confidence around total strangersㅡ the hundreds of vaccinees I attended to and the other volunteers across all ages! and lastly, gaining all the experiences that this work offersㅡ whatever they may be :)

Lastly, may Allah always keep my heart full and steady and may He protect all of us from any undesirable situations that may harm us in any way. Aamiin!

I can't and I won't let people say "it's just that.... why do you have be so deep about it..." Oh, are you sorry that you are not sentimental enough to make a meaning out of every little thing you experience in life? because I am certainly not. even if I trip over a small rock and I feel like writing about it, I will. 

cei, tiber insecure and sensitip. 

Okay, may you only receive and hear good and happy things dear reader(s)!

Oh and please pray for my creative writing because I have been delaying my written pieces for what it's called a writer's block for a while now :(

Hello

 

Hello.

uh... this is awkward. 

I was supposed to write about the final few days I spent with my housemates before we bid our farewell MONTHS AGO... but.... I came home and was too caught up with my own sadness that I... now... have no will to do so anymore. yeah, it be like that sometimes.

I write best when I am excited and that's why I tend to write a lot after drinking my coffee as that's when I feel high to work my fingers out to type about anything!

However nowadays, not even the coffee could excite me. I... 

It's not like I dislike being home but... you see, I love it. and that's the problem. I love it too much that I have become so comfortable being in this safe bubble without stepping out of my comfort zone to learn something.

and I feel pathetic.

and it's not like I didn't try either!

All the things I enjoy doing like writing, reading, listening to podcast have turned dull to me and every time I gathered new resolve to start something, I find myself crawling back to the corner where gloominess, sadness are around. It's tiring. I could tell you all the things I have bought as a revolution to this circle of negativity but it always just ...that. That. It just stopped. Even writing here today took a lot for me to finally do it. I had at least two drafts I deleted because halfway, I didn't feel like it.

I guess writing every thing down today is also a way for me to start anew? 

I mean, do I want to change? yes? 

but will I change? we'll see. hahaha

but at least I finished writing here today so that's one assurance for you that I will finally get back on my feet to make everything exciting for me, again.

How about you?

My Last Ramadhan in College

What?

It's already my last Ramadhan in college? a ha..... *smile in pain*

I know Ramadhan is an exceptional, holy month to all of us Muslims but it's especially special to me because when I first came here, it was also on Ramadhan! and now we are wrapping the years in this month too!

I remember sniffling every two nights on my bed (ok lbr.. it's every night), trying to hold myself from breaking into tears so my roommate wouldn't have an idea that her roommate was a weak, vulnerable girl who had never been away from home for 18 years.

but now Alhamdulillah look at me. look at where it brings me. five years man. five years of dealing with whatever shrimps (read: s word) my college put me through until now— my final Ramadhan in college.

There are few circumstances we are facing right now in college where we are locked inside (remember the apocalypse?) therefore no tarawih in masjid, no bazar, no having iftar outside which is nothing new tbh. same old thing as previous year and I am not complaining. 

BUT 

if there is one thing I could wish for, it's praying and having iftar + moreh at the masjid. Oh I miss it so much... I miss the vibes. I miss the aircon especially, and oh, the fluffy carpets. but let's be real now, I miss everything about praying there, even the makciks who always tak rapatkan saf (omg they are winning now, the saf can never be as close anymore) haha 

however, looking at it now, it's not so bad. I have my friends and we are taking turns to be Imam, and we have extra fans which honestly kinda bring the masjid vibes when we used it earlier. so yeaaah.... not that baaaad.. nooooot that bad. kan?

and I have more free time now even though I am actually not supposed to lol but make do of it lah. I have so many goals for this year's Ramadhan too and I am not telling wekk haha.

For all of you reading, I pray that all of our deeds are well accepted by Him and may He grant all of our wishes! Aamiin!

The view from my balcony before 1st Iftar 2021 ^^

First Post-MCO Hangout

This post is gonna be filled with so much satisfaction and joy because I finally met my bestfriends! despite practically meeting them everyday via whatsapp and social medias, the feeling is not the same man. incomparable. I thought I was gonna left rotting until I finally see them, bc you know, with all the orders and regulations. BUT oh well, Alhamdulillah! we are progressing Malaysian! just make sure to always practice new normal outside!

and of course our choice of place is always The steamboat and grill.

Steamboat and grill is like our thing since forever, istg.

Hungry? Steamboat and grill.

Want to catch up stories while munching on food? Steamboat and grill.

Too many options on where to dine? Steamboat and grill.

Steamboat and grill. Steamboat and grill. Steamboat and grill.

The one that had saved our friendship from endlessly arguing about where to eat. yep.

2015-present. Hahaha

Alyn is still a crack with so much toxicity but hey, she's my bestfriend, I'll take it. (jk I am actually plotting a plan) and Isma is still as mad as she is. phew I am glad they did not turn up into a mess I imagined them to be, I was so worried. Worried that Alyn would drive to my house in jamban slippers (wait, Lol it happened) or Isma with tudung terbalik (Gosh she came wearing Duck scarf y'all.. and she slayed) Indeed, I worried for nothing. 

and to the eating event. Nothing to tell here really, we just ate, gossiped a bit, mengata me a lot, just the usual normal stuff.. and then to Vision Park. it's been so long... *teary eyes* In fact the last time I saw Isma, we went to Vision Park too. The place is as tranquil as it was, beautiful, with less crowd, ofc. the lake still looks placid and glassy, and oh the view of the stunning elegant Masjid, still bewitching to the eyes. haih, so much to describe. and I am so gratified that we went there!

and then towards our total last minute plan to Pantai Bersih. Ok this is going to be embarrassing to admit: I'd never been there.... or maybe I had but was too young to remember (honestly pls I can't accept the fact that I had never stepped my foot there) Therefore, thanks Isma! the breeze of a pantai always never fails to calm me and so this one!

we took lots of pictures and selfies as we watched the sunset by the beach! this is why I always say YES to last minute plan! See for yourself (cuz maybe it's just me, really haha) but but! however the pictures are, we still made good memories there, hihi.

tbh, thanks Snapchat filter lol.
and can't wait until the other three can finally join us♡

Hilarious Video-Call

wouldn't be here if it ain't for the video call with syaza. 

we. were. hilarious. 

this is just one of those moments we would probably enjoy doing in IPBA now if we weren't stuck at home. but hey, doing it virtually is fun too. I'll take it. I can't remember the last time both of us sat together to unleash all the inappropriate jokes we have in our minds.

oh come on, we all have that one friend, or MORE THAN ONE FRIEND that choke up bantering just about anything meanwhile you just sit there staring while holding your laugh, waiting for your friend to ACTUALLY start telling her jokes, snorting in between. no?

like this?

We were on a good track and I thought the discussion was going to end smoothly with no damage to our lungs for laughing too much. but nope *cross the list with a big X mark* not today. honestly, poor the screen. it had to witness us losing our minds over small things we joked about, that I am sure we could have been slapped if it was actually a living thing. 

The thing with syaza is that, we can literally stare at each other and burst into laugh. so you can imagine how it was like video-calling with her and even so, we tried so hard to suppress our laugh (because we are at home and it was late at night too. we don't wanna make pontianak jobless) Syaza and I shared so much common ideas, even when they are sometimes stupid and nonsense hahaks and I guess that is why we can comfortably speak to each other. 

and I am so grateful for her, for each of my friend. It's a blessing to be surrounded by friends that wouldn't expose me for the things I do (for obvious reason haha) actually, more like they couldn't because I have the exact same thing against them too. This is how the friendship is withheld tbh, in case you are curious.

Ok but my friends are honestly a bunch of fun people. I don't have many, I really only have a few to express my honest feelings to, so they mean a lot to me. Hope it's the same case for them too (who knows if one of them is actually waiting to kill me, you can't be too complacent with people hhh)

Anyway, I miss my friends so much. really can't wait until the day when the only thing that keeps us apart is the distance less than 1m. aw. haha night!

Hari Raya 2020

this post is overdue, I know. there is nothing much going around and my life, I must say, is boring in the extreme. but I can't bring myself whining about it either. I realize there are people outside who are tested greater and beyond what I am experiencing now. aaaaahhhh chop-chop! enough of the pep-talk, what is this post about again? Oh Hari Raya.

  Selamat Hari Raya!

It's the same for some of us right, given that our movement was restricted? like performing Eid Salaah in the loving company of our family members, the humble preparation for the morning, a little visit to our neighbor's house next door– just enough to remember what this celebration is for and continue harvesting good deeds after.

The solo photo-shoot was rather early this year. I like doing it in the evening better when the sun isn't that blinding like it was that morning. (but come on, I couldn't wait until evening. Changing my attire into shirt and pants was the only thing on my mind the entire morning– which couldn't be accomplished before because of the Raya visits) 

However, I must say I wasn't in disadvantage at all because the pictures came out really good! (puji diri sendiri) Thanks to the flaming and shimmering sun. and oh! oh! I wore eyeliner the first time too, did it myself but ofc, the camera didn't do any justice for that smh *disappointed emoji*

Here to some of my Raya pictures 2020!

LOL to the cringy pink collage :p

We also celebrated my niece 1st birthday with balloons and a cake on that day. It was a rewarding, happy day after all (especially after I changed into a comfortable outfit to relax and chill for the rest of the day. haha :p)

And then to the number of video calls from families and friends! Ugh, I can't express it in words how lucky we are to be in this virtual era of advanced technology- having 6 persons per video call? Impressive and so so much needed, especially in this critical time. After so much fuss and chaos (rolls eyes), I finally got a hold of my friends. We were so uncoordinated for a reason I couldn't figure! haha but it was gratifying to finally see them fit and fiddle, on screen! I caught up on a lot of things with my Irshad and IPBA bestfriends. (except Kakti, Alyn and Isma who legit were there for the ig-worthy screenshot hhh jk) 

My classmates and I also made a spin-off version of the tiktok rush challenge? (please, we are just novices) cuz everyone just did their own version, you can tell we are all amateurs. Below is my part,

(Yes, I only gave them the "after" vid LOL I tried)
special thank to Syida for the amazing edit and compilation hihi

Malam raya was also lively because of my nieces and nephew (oh, aunty miss you hadif and hafiy D:) Alang wasn't on the picture because it's his wife's turn this year, but he brought his family the night before. Bunga api is a tradition at this point haha I was so delighted to be a part of my nieces' early memories about how it is like celebrating Raya. The joy was, of course, unparalleled to what we had back on those days. therefore I found my heart broke a little for them. I know it wasn't as perfect but the night was definitely a merry night. After all, Raya isn't only about that either hihi and once again

Selamat Hari Raya semua! :D

Ramadhan Feast

Alhamdulillah, by the grace of Allah, my family and I successfully cooked for the whole kampung today! never felt as satisfying and rewarding especially when we know people love the delectable and delicious food– Nasi Arab, one of my Mom's signature dishes!

NGL, it was extremely tiring. this whole cooking process for such a big group of people is really not my thing but what choice do you think I have? *wipe tears* however, the thoughts of having people savor the dish over-passed my huge tendency of turning lethargic and by the time I realized, we had already finished everything! yep, 6 hours striving in the kitchen felt like one hour! so so grateful for the strength given!

btw, it is a norm in this kampung that every family, or club can book any date in this holy month if they wish to do a feast. in the past, of course the people would swamp the surau for iftar, but given that we can't do that anymore, the people opt to packing and distributing the food instead♡ only one day isn't booked throughout the month. it's wild honestly haha!

Oh, aside from Nasi Arab, our neighbor made some dadih and chocolate cakes for everyone too and may Allah reward her abundantly!! p/s: eating the two together made them so much more luscious and mellow! istg, you gotta try the next time you see them!

The exciting part for me was to distribute the food to my brothers (they live relatively near to our house) therefore, today marked the first time I went out after almost two months!!! such a history!!! and my bff Alyn is so lucky that I didn't miss her out! thank God, I finally remember how she looks like now lol T___T (she lives few houses away from my brother's)

May Allah give us more will and strength to continue doing this every year!

Here are some pictures I took randomly of SOME of the process :D

   

        

the picture on the left was the first batch of roasted chicken using oven and air-fryer!

 there were like 80 ketol ayam... back-to-back kerjanya haha!

but we thrived fortunately! alhamdulillah.

thank you for the review alyn ahaks!

That's all I guess. hope everyone is doing good♡♡♡♡

Ramadhan + being the eldest

Ramadhan Mubarak!

Alhamdulillah, we are now entering our fifth Ramadhan and I hope everyone is in fine fettle! There are vast differences between Ramadhan previously, compared to this year, but again it's expected. I was looking forward to how it was going to be conducted, and I learn better how it differs for everyone now.

With that being said, if we are living fine, with affectionate parents, or if we get marvellous food served on the table on time without any distress or worry over it, or for even having a roof above us, please, please be grateful and if we really do feel thankful then it all goes back to how we perform dutifully in this blessed and holy month.

Some have to put up with abusive family, which might challenge their mental while fasting, and that alone should give us so much room to reflect upon. we are grateful NOT bc others have it worse, but because Allah is testing us, the same way He's testing them. It is to see how far, or to what degree we are ready to commit ourselves to Him, be it in any way– sedekah, reciting the Holy Quran and more and more!– to show our gratitude!

Secondly, for me, I have now instantly become the eldest in the family with two younger siblings, one a princess, the other a prince (rolleyes). Usually, I would have my two sisters to help with the chores but one is married and the other is away in Australia and I realized how pretty laid back I was when they were around. 

now I understand them so much lol u____u

However, I have to admit that I am having fun with this role, maybe because the sudden rise in the hierarchy makes me freer to do what I want, instead of being told/ordered to do what I'd initially wanted to do. The latter used to annoy me so much, haha but oh, I was just silly. so yeah, I am kind of footloose and fancy-free now except that my commitments are much bigger, especially in the kitchen.

For my Ramadhan goals, I have a lot, and Alhamdulillah I am progressing very well! It helps better if we write our small daily goals before we start our day (preferably before Subuh) so we don't lose our direction, bc you know, we tend to get swayed anyway into doing lagha stuff, haha so yep!! inshaAllah writing down the goals helps!

I pray everyone is progressing the same too! It is never too late as long as you are still alive and kicking! May the differences in this year's Ramadhan impact us deeper and immensely boost our Iman. 

InsyaAllah, at the end of the day, we'll see the hikmah behind everything.

InsyaAllah🤲🏻

My New Favorite Pastime Now

Have you discovered your new favorite pastime during MCO? I think everyone can at least list one thing we discovered about ourselves, because it's like that to me!

I just knew that I loveeee being inside the pondok, as we call it, and mind my own business alone. It's too warm in the house nowadays. I always wake up in the morning covered in sweat. Don't we all? but that's not my point today.

The message I wanna get across today is, should I feel cold or convenient inside the house, I wouldn't learn how more serene it is outside. It took me a swift second to totally fall in love with the vibe as it's incredibly quiet too. As the MCO is extended, there are less cars on the road, leaving me with only the sound of cicadas, the chattering of the squirrels and the chirping of the birds, which have made me feel so calm and harmonious.

Now my routine is just about the same, to reside here under this old hut after Zuhur,  Asar, Maghrib, and today, right after I performed my Subuh. Dragged my blanket and locked myself outside of the house to read and continue my catnap. and again, I can't describe the tranquility of that moment, being watched by the small cute crescent moon, breathing the scent of the morning air.... phew. 100% would do it again.

Such little thing kan? Not like I'd never spent my time here, but it felt waaaay different, and better? Maybe because I have started to be concerned over how my future me would look back at this day, at me, of what I did, so there would be no regret, only an acknowledgement and appreciation to the time spent brilliantly. There are more in fact, but let's just save that for my future me to see!

Special thanks to Mak and Abah too sebab selalu teman :D we usually hang out together lepas kerja and sembahyang! and below are the pictures I'd taken this morning and evening. (sebab cantik hihi)

                           
                                             
The moon! geram.

#1Day1Kuliah

What's this #1Day1Kuliah about? Well you bet. Inspired by my parents, I think it's a chance for me, as well, to sit and listen to kuliah agama because I don't feel good letting this opportunity go– this precious time right now. My parents never miss the live kuliah by their favorite tok guru from the kuliah they attended before MCO. Therefore I think, why can't I do the same? So here's my first attempt to write what I have listened to! (I don't intend to write this everyday btw)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

#1Day1Kuliah - Mufti Menk (Stories of the Prophets, Prophet Sulayman A.S.)

Today, I listened to a podcast from our respectful Mufti Menk, and I was again, astonished and humbled. It’s been so long since I last listened to his podcast, and May Allah forgive me for the times I had taken for granted. 

First and foremost, I was attracted to listen to Prophet Sulayman’s story as I was reminded that the only thing I remember about him was that- he could talk to animals, or at least that’s what I remember telling my non-Muslim friend about. Coincidentally today, I was on Surah An-Naml (The Ant) which had further guided me to listen to the podcast!

In conclusion of the podcast I have listened to about Sulayman A.S., he, Sulayman A.S. had everything a mankind could ever ask for, aside from the famous “talking with animals” narration which was already great by itself. Other than that, you name it- he had a perfect attitude of a man and a king, he was given prophet-hood, he was presented with a mighty kingdom with huuuuge armies which include all different kind of creatures from human-kinds, animals, the jin-kinds, whom he had a full control over- whether to jail them, punish them or order them, and on top of all those amazing attributes, he was also given the power to control the wind that it was said he could send  someone to a place which journey would have taken a month, in just a single day by using a plank-- by controlling the wind.

(We probably can't relate to all of those mukjizat right? but remember, He is a Prophet!)

and he was also a JUST man, his armies highly respected him but were also frightened of him and his wisdom was beyond one could ever imagine! and Allah has described that even after ALL of those attributes,

"He, Sulayman A.S. is an excellent worshiper of ours."

Often we are given blessings, after some times of being grateful, Shaytan would trick us and take our Iman away so that we turn away from Him and become arrogant, condescending and haughty. BUT LOOK AT SULAYMAN A.S. MashaAllah, how could we not be humbled? I learned a lot about myself from this single podcast as I reflected my doings.

Honestly, sometimes, I feel great about myself which is not wrong though... 

(It's okay to feel great about yourself, not to the point of riak lah tapi)

but for me, bc it sometimes leads me to think that I have done enough, in a riak kind of way (syaitan lah ni!), this podcast made me realise that... it's really, really wrong of me to feel like that.....

Oh pls, nothing I do would ever be sufficient to what He gives me everyday, so idk what do I feel so great for, for the little amalan I did that I assumed was enough? I should have done moreeee! Therefore, this story humbles me to the core. obviously I am nothing compared to Nabi Sulayman but even so I would love to learn to be humble like him- who was given so many things and never forget to due them to Allah and an excellent worshipper on top of that! whom Allah loves soo much... I wanna be humble in a way that I want to avoid myself from getting complacent with my deeds.. InsyaAllah.

That’s only the gist of what I have listened to. The podcast actually described more of Surah An-Naml, ayah 15-44, from what Sulayman was blessed for, to how smart and wise his du’as are that made Him so loved by Allah, for he has everything yet never forget to due it to Him, down to how he worked with his armies to make Balqis worships Allah.

and by the end of the podcast, it reminds me that there is really NOTHING Allah cannot do, in fact, everything that happens, He knows, and by Him it happens. Kun! Fayakun. Therefore, always, always remember to turn to Him, be dependent on Him for He listens, He plans.

Links: Spotify, Youtube

Surah An-Naml

The Pandemic and the Chaos

a total pandemonium. a complete mayhem. an uncalled chaos. I can go on to describe what we are going through right now, which I believe no one had seen it coming. but these few days it's at least bearable as I am FINALLY with my family now, after all the headaches. because days ago...

was a mess. Allahuakbar.

when Alyn told me that her semester is postponed because of the pandemic, I had an instinct that it was gonna be bad, but it wasn't that bad to the point of what actually happened, especially a day after our prime minister announced the restricted movement order for the whole country. I was only expecting leaves, and thought everyone would be asked to stay in the hostel. but uh.... I don't know what went wrong..

because as of 12pm the following day, we were suddenly asked to immediately evacuate the hostel along with all of our things. I was so furious that I cried right away... I don't think they have an idea how much I hate packing my stuff, and how tiring it is. but I realized that the frontliners are probably facing much greater difficulties than everyone in the campus had that time, which had actually managed to make me hold my horses.

I think I was more aggrieved at the fact that there was little to no communication between the college admins and the students. Everyone just went around and about with rumors, and imagine the chaos in that? I don't know. I was cool at first, but reading too many versions of orders from different people was getting so annoying and by the time I finished filling in evacuation-related docs with my three other classmates, I got even more furious. It's just too toooooo chaotic. and being an average people, ofc, I had to search for someone to blame. and I finally got to pinpoint it to somebody- our own... gomen. Ugh don't get me started.

Banning mass-gathering yet asking people to line up at the police station to get a permission letter for cross-state travelling? woah. brilliant I must say. and the students who had no choice then started to swamp over the police station, bc guess what? we. were. asked. to evacuate. the hostel. where else did they think we would go to other than home? I thought we were working towards flattening the curve? Gosh, if I go further, I swear one of my keyboard keys would fly out because of my aggressiveness in typing all those words.

Luckily, they took it back the same night. I hoped it was not too late.

Honestly, I am still wondering why they had asked us to leave our hostel. ngl, I was a bit happy, but I must say that it was not a smart move, at all. I just pray that all students aren't contaminated with the virus, and each one of us get to be with our family, safe and sound.

It is a long write, a boring one as well. I think the best part of this post would be how I would tell my children later when all of this is over.

I, your mother, survived a freaking zombie apocalypse.

I pray for everyone who's reading this a great health too!
be safe and just! stay! at home!