Diari Ramadhan Hasanah Part II

"Hasanah!"

I tossed and turned. uhmm, this bed's so cosy.

"Hasanah!!!!"

tossed and turned again... now with a slow grunt because ...okay. I know I promised you Mak, but it's still so early... it's only.. *double tapped the phone to see the time* te... TEN!?!?!?

never had I jolted out of bed to dash into the kitchen that quickly and I really stood in front of her to process what she had baked without my presence, alone, at her old age. eyes still squinting.

"Mak gerak kamu dari tadi!! tak bangun bangun"

and I died a little inside. dang you Hasanah, how could you.

but I felt way worse when I saw her almost finishing the kuih she made. ...Mak... maybe I should have just died then. How could I? (◞‸◟) I immediately said an innumerable amount of sorry, wash myself at a lightning speed, took a seat and asked, "okay Mak, now what's next?"

She jeling me. but it's okay, I deserved it.

seriously, how did she do it? she woke up for Qiyam, went for Subuh berjemaah, so what? she probably started all of that at 8-9am right? so how did she do it? I woke up for Qiyam and I struggled to even open my eyes for Subuh (◞‸◟)

 
however, the other kuih ship had to sail, and it won't sail if she continues to merajuk. Therefore, to make her my bestfriend again, I reminded and praised her how she's such a superwoman, unlike me who's weak, lazy and ungrateful. there's nothing I could do at this point other than acknowledging my fault which isㅡ breaking my promise with her, leaving her alone to make the kuih. I knew I am Mak's carbon copy and it's in our blood that our type can't be angry for long. Hence, the ship sailed. quickly. tq Mak for being my Mak. I love you. 

I even created one core memory while doing this with her. it was mak and I dancing and singing to a song while moulding the kuih. just two domestic women enjoying the time in the kitchen. what a time to be alive! 

all of this and you'd think im the worst daughter ...until we are onto our third kuih and there came farhan hanis looking dejected just like I was two hours before and I shook my head with a jeling to her like I didn't commit the same crime. lol

a carbon copy is a carbon copy indeed.

we proceeded to sing together as we made our fourth kuih, now with the added member farhan hanis ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)♪

the mess in our kitchen.

Diari Ramadhan Hasanah part I

but will there ever be a part II? lol looking at my regular pattern of not continuing any of my series that I started randomly, then ...I don't think so.

anyway, a day before Ramadhan, (and this is a TMI) I wrote in my diary that I did not have any excitement over what's coming. there's so much going on in my life and in this world to even think about it. I don't know how much of a difference it is compared to last year's, it just felt like it was another month for me. but oh, was I a fool.

Ramadhan doesn't need ME for it to be special. It will continue to offer so much regardless of my excitement. therefore whether i 'feel' it or not, I don't think I'd ever want to miss them, the rewards I mean. Rather than forcing myself, I just think that it would be a waste to throw away an opportunity to bask myself in the Berkah this month has to offer, even by doing the simplest good deed. 

so yeah, sorry Miss Farhan, you are not special. and yeah, investing for your Akhirat when your deeds aren't that much is something you MUST do, not SHOULD do. quickly after, I istighfar and tajdid my niat.  I NEED Ramadhan. Ramadhan doesn't need me（╹◡╹）(that's on why I love reflective writing!)

and Alhamdulillah it has been a blast since.

Life is just as hectic, the world continues to prove itself to be nothing but a menace, with Gaza still getting bombed left and right, 

but hey, look up.

It's Ramadhan. we may be powerless but with Du'a, with our own Jihad against our own Nafs, or just simply doing our best at work, insyaAllah, those too shall count as our efforts. Himnae-ra ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

the diari Ramadhan Hasanah would be, hm, does religiously filling my "days in pixel" with colours everyday count ʕʘ‿ʘʔ idk idk I am sure I can do better. Days before the last 10 days should be a marathon and the latter should be a sprint. but am I even at the starting line? *smile dejectedly* im sure im somewhere still tying my shoe lace........ 

ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ

One thing I know for sure is my housemates, Kak Amy, Kak Syaza, and everyone else around me has been making me happy... Alhamdulillah. walaupun I don't deserve their hospitality ...... ....... .. u___u ok bai tak reti nak sendu in public lol

p/s: I am writing this en route to sekgoq via ETS heeee #futuremeshouldremember

holidaaaaays (update!!)

idc what anyone says but I live everyday counting months, weeks and days to school holidaaays. any holiday really. it's the BIG (definitely not little) thing that gets me going in this life. uwu.

this long holiday, there was no big plan. the only plan I had that I knew I wanted to do was going to ESCAPE. and so I did. thankfully hanis sofia was as eager to gooo because I don't see myself going there alone, no matter how much I told myself that I actually could. most importantly, hanis enjoyed it so much! all the adventure and sky plays were so funnnnn, i might actually turn it into a yearly visit. haha ...ha ha.

and ofc shoutout to my high school friendsssss that definitely made my holidays much moreeee enjoyable. They cured sth in me I didn't think needed a cure. badminton, hiking, just chatting away, shopping, kenduri. tbh I have never had that many friends to go out with at once here in Penang. I probably prayed for it, back when my family teased me. now I can bark "look, these are real people going out with me every day, and they are none other but my friends!" shkdshhdjd JK but that would probably stop them from teasing me that i have no friends... kan kan. haha

and then with Mak. not so much with Abah because he's toooo preoccupied this time around.............. i might sign him up for next PM.....

anyway with Mak, I got her featured in my diary and I will treasure it forever. for.e.ver. we also went out for a lot of datesssss, coffee dates. the barista at this one cafe must have recognized our faces already, but... it's okay i dah nak balik dah :(

and every day without fail i akan walk alone to soak in the feeling of being grateful for the people and the things I do and encounter. this time around i balik i promised myself not to drop even a little tear. over kan. macam la I kerja London jahsjahjsjdhj one day maybe wahahaha tapi still, let's see how I fare :P

(Update!!) - it's been a weeeeek and i shed no tear at all. uwu. hahaha big part of it must have been sbb mak teman i balik duduk sebelah hihi btw tomorrow's first day of school, pray for my peace of mind sbb i taknak feel restless anymore. i wanna put more trust in my colleagues haha

I moved out!

one day, as I was sitting down trying to finish my work, I looked around to judge my room layout (dia mcm tibbbeerrrr kan?) and I felt ... naaaaaa... I think it's about time to redo all of it.

that almari? shouldn't be there.

this katil? better be here. 

bla bla bla. 

and so I stood up, walked to the almari, tried to shift it. and if it weren't for the back side of the almari yg dh obviously brittle, I would have had a brand-new room. it turned out that that almari can't be moved, ever. or it would topple over and everybody would find me squeezed under it the next day. 

so I macam hm, what should I do now?

Honestly my laptop was probably glaring at me shouting "Well, DO ME?!!?!" that I had no choice but to sit down again, pouting, 'ala, bosanlah layout bilik ni' >.> *aggressively typed on the laptop* dasar ungrateful but whatever. 

and then guess what? shortly after, my landlord dropped a notice saying we had until January to move out because the house was then sold. 

ah, perfect.

so I giddily searched for a new room to rent and here I am tonight! in my newwww rooooom! Alhamdulillah! (I wish it was this easy without the sudden emotional realisation that I was Actually leaving the FIRST room I rented *wipetears*)

there's nothing really interesting pun, just a new fresh view but if there's one thing I have learned, it's... to not put a big-ass carpet or it'll be so dang hard to sweep your lantai. pls, every time I needed to clean my old room, I had to gather a magical strength to move the bed, the study table, the rak, before I could get the carpet off my floor. such unnecessary hassle. no more. just a nice lil carpet would do. (so yeah sorry Alyn, the carpet u bought for me is now safe with my sister u.u)

for now I am loving my new room and the new house.

but I wish people could have warned me how moving out is a super extreme sport. like, bruh I cried. but that too, had come to pass so I no longer mind it... (plus there's nothing I could do about it + I ASKED for it anyway haha) if anything, it had taught me not to buy massive furniture until I own a house.  

besides, they have a gym and a swimming poool hereeeeee. now aside from getting a new room, I can also come up with a new routineeeee??? insyaAllah. haha

bye!

Do I like being alone? Yes, No?

 Alright. Where do I start explaining things so you guys won't get me wrong or think that I am difficult or just fussy and annoying. 

*deep breath and crack knuckles*

When I was in college, I remember writing here to tell you guys that I learned liking to be alone, doing things alone and when I moved out (temporarily) from my parents', I thought whoa, this time is finally it (after all the 'adjusting' 'homesick' drama ofc)

UNTIL...

...NOW that I AM actually alone.

Alright don't call me annoying yet, hear me out.

I... perhaps only like being alone WITH the presence of someone else that I can freely talk to/annoy when I feel bored (...Oh God, that makes me sound like a jerk who treats people like they are an entertainment but no. Let me try and word it right)

—I perhaps only like being alone WITH the presence of someone else whom I can freely talk to/annoy. titik. (is it better now? lol)

Ok the point is, I can't be alone ALONE. I need someone else beside me. because it feels too quiet at times that I feel like running home and honestly Mak Abah would've approved it if I told them I ran home because there were some ghosts around. but no. It's only because there is no one around to make (bearable) noises.

It's worse when I am on my period and feel lazier (than I already am lol) bc I don't even wanna try to busy myself to keep my mind out from those thoughts. Interestingly, I am okay at night when Gee and the rest are around. so that's when I came into such conclusion— that I can't be alone ALONE.

It was only this morning I felt like crying but girl was even lazy to cry that I chose to hold it in so that's when I asked myself... didn't I like being alone? no..no..no. wrong. wrong. I don't like being alone ALONE. you get what I mean? T__________T 

and it's fascinating when I know that there's someone else who is in the same shoes as me as soon as I tweeted about it. now I am not so alone anymore, am I? lol

What a complicated person you are, Hasanah. Go to sleep, really.

PENANG Penang

It's not just Penang but PENANG Penang.

You know what I mean? the island?

Growing up I have always called the island side of this state as Penang. never Georgetown, Komtar or any specific name of place on that side, it's always just Penang ...until GALS came to my house and confused me.

so our conversation went like this:

me: we are going hiking in Penang tau. must go in the morning.

them: alright. then kalau pi situ pagi, pukul 12 we'll go somewhere else.

me: no cannot. The taman negara is in Penang. we won't be back by 12.

them: why not?

me: bc it's in Penang kot? Jauh...

now having that conversation typed into words, I could only imagine how ridiculous I sounded that day. I mean, they are not penangites so one out of other things they know about this state must be its name— Penang. therefore what they thought of when I said "Penang" is that the place should be near my house. and I oop-

I really had to sit down and process my thoughts that... okay... no wonder they thought that way! It's only us, penangites yang panggil that island side as Penang. They, on the other hand, see Penang as a whole one state. You get what I mean?

It's only us who call the island side of Penang as Penang! especially if you are from the mainland! I talked about this to Alyn and she also went "Oh ha ah la..." before Zul continued to ask, "Habistu mainland korang panggil apa?"

me: IDK, I have always just said balik rumah.

haha!

on a serious note, the mainland part is called seberang XD

One of hadif's picture otw to Penang.

(Ya.. even though he was already IN Penang. alright fine,

 I meant the island side of Penang haha ...or the uh.. Penang Island)

Sweet Octovember

have u ever had a child coming to you crying, desperately asking for your help, looking unnecessarily cute and pitiful as their eyes swelled with tears for such a simple problem...? no...? cuz aw, you might wanna adopt one BECAUSE *SQUEALS* *SCREAMS* *PUNCH WALLS* I WOULD IF I WERE YOU.

(k I don't think many parents would agree with that but oh, who cares when I have nieces and nephewwwws for thaaaat)

Hadif got like this once so I hugged him and patted his back then reassured him that everything was gonna be fine (aunty-of-the-month behaviourrrr haha) even though I was actually holding myself back from teasing him cuz really? Hadif? IT'S ME WHO NEEDS TO CRY. eh sorry ter petty pulak.

Obviously issa joke bc I love treating them like adults when it comes to their feelings :) uhu ajetnye

so uhm.. basically octovember is the month filled with me going out and having extra fun with my niblings, one that I met for the first time, the others after a year.... yep.

It got pretty chaotic most of the times especially when you put two toddlers in the same room with just one type of toy. no double, no copy = fighting. but I enjoyed it. certainly not like how I enjoyed rnb or ballad— by exo and I don't listen to rock and roll, which is probably the genre of their cries. but still, family is stronger than a music genre - Vin Diesel  (eh tiberrrr haha)

and for that quote too I feel like I could do anything for them except, basuh berak dorang. so yes sorry vin diesel, I lost it at basuh berak. I haven't taught myself how to handle the sight of seeing someone else's poo, but I promise I'll get better (says this since Hadif was born and he's now 7) *sweating* ok alright fine call me as it is— a bad aunty. FINE. *slams the door* *EMO* 

I treated them so nice I wish I was in their shoes but hey my childhood was awesome too so I did not want them to miss out on playing traditional games or bringing them out— anything, anything but staring at them gadgets *angry emoji* and for that, I could do a finger count of the hours I was at home because most of the times we drove them to places where they could have fun. yep. without their parents :P

and you know they had a good time when they silently cried by the car window on their way home, missing their grandparents' house. yes hadif, I am talking about you.

and as they went back, I held my phone scrolling down the gallery filled with their pictures and sobbed to myself because lol u think aunty is strong? no. lol. honestly the whole picture stuff is the thing that I envy most about kids nowadays because awh :( I didn't have that many pictures growing up and it's such a pity.

for that I am sure they will be grateful for the pictures when they get old enough to look back on their childhood memories.

another three not in the picture :>

so such is my sweet Octovember hiks :>

Hello

 

Hello.

uh... this is awkward. 

I was supposed to write about the final few days I spent with my housemates before we bid our farewell MONTHS AGO... but.... I came home and was too caught up with my own sadness that I... now... have no will to do so anymore. yeah, it be like that sometimes.

I write best when I am excited and that's why I tend to write a lot after drinking my coffee as that's when I feel high to work my fingers out to type about anything!

However nowadays, not even the coffee could excite me. I... 

It's not like I dislike being home but... you see, I love it. and that's the problem. I love it too much that I have become so comfortable being in this safe bubble without stepping out of my comfort zone to learn something.

and I feel pathetic.

and it's not like I didn't try either!

All the things I enjoy doing like writing, reading, listening to podcast have turned dull to me and every time I gathered new resolve to start something, I find myself crawling back to the corner where gloominess, sadness are around. It's tiring. I could tell you all the things I have bought as a revolution to this circle of negativity but it always just ...that. That. It just stopped. Even writing here today took a lot for me to finally do it. I had at least two drafts I deleted because halfway, I didn't feel like it.

I guess writing every thing down today is also a way for me to start anew? 

I mean, do I want to change? yes? 

but will I change? we'll see. hahaha

but at least I finished writing here today so that's one assurance for you that I will finally get back on my feet to make everything exciting for me, again.

How about you?

Room MakeOver?

cei makeover lah sangat!

last tuesday my sis was finally home! from Australia! 

ok you might be wondering why am I telling you this, but gurl, she's got to be the reason WHY we all did this makeover. idk what she was plotting at first when she bought a whole big bucket of undercoat paint and honestly at that point I was like, "oh she's at it again. k" cuz she painted her room thrice already idk. 

but later I found out. dia sengaja beli banyak so that she could pressured us into painting ours too. and after all that pressure– I had to agreeT____T and I obviously did not think much of it, the last time I ever made a huge make-over was when I had to move into another room and that was when I hardly had anything.

wait.

that's not even a makeover. I was just changing room jdjsjsjs

therefore, on the friday night, with little knowledge of what awaited me, I started to unload all the clothes from my cupboard (which was my mom's and honestly 95% of the cupboard were her old clothes, not like I mind) and....

fuh. at that moment, I was already asking myself why did I agree to do this... and my sis was already laughing wickedly, while saying,

"well, doing this is like going for a hike. you can not turn back HAHA" 

and I looked at her, gritted my teeth and continued the deed cuz I know she's right lmaooT______T the old cupboard I was telling you guys earlier is a big-ass cupboard, so in a night I only finished packing one side of it, organized the old clothes into boxes (easier to donate laterrr) and by the time I realized, it was already 1 in the morning. honestly what's new? (p/s: research)

and the next day came (saturday) aha. yeah. lmao. I unloaded the rest of the clothes, move my bed, my book shelf and sorted my stuff into "to-keep" and "to-throw" plastics before the biiiig main event— painting!

this was the only time I ever asked myself why don't I have a roommate because...uh... my hands were so worn out painting the walls..... luckily my sis helped, my dad did too! I think we finished right before asar after a deeeeep cleaning of my room and I hadn't even loaded my stuff back into my room yet that time. we took a quick break and continued after maghrib.

and after maghrib ....remember the clothes I unloaded before I painted my room? AHA! gotta sort those out toooooo. hahahahaha ha ha

and guess how many storage the clothes fit into?

3 luggage, 3 huge plastics, 2 boxes. 
That's what I signed up for, ladies and gentlemen. 

luckily I finished that in a night and the only things left was to tend to my book shelf and my new cupboard (which I took from our guest room cuz it's new sdsdjs)

I started right after Subuh the next day weh, so much from someone who couldn't even turn up for gotong royong ipb* at 7am sjjshassk 

aaaaaand. it's worth it. so so so worth it. 

I LOVE my new room. cei. the vibes, the things I organized. ish. haha bc in my family I am definitely not known for keeping my things stacked and pretty. but now that the old cupboard is gone and that I am blessed with SO much space in my room, I knew I gotta keep this going. 

unfortunately, I don't have any picture of how my room looked like previously but it was in green colour (certainly not my colour of choice..) but of course, of course I have pictures of how it looks like now! *smug face* 

                 

 posting the same one with different 

 hue of the sky! aha!

                                                   

kihkih

it's at least pretty and comforting for me, which is all that matters haha. the combination of white and gray.... (I wanted black but Mak was against it shhshd.. luckily) and Ghirthini cakap buang je kerusi tu ganti kerusi lain hahahaha I agree. but I don't get bothered by it pun so that's all to it for now. however I can't wait to put the fairy lights!! ceiiih

and after all the hard work working on three rooms for three days (Jumaat, Sabtu and today, Ahad), we bought ourselves Starbucks!!!! my order is always the OG lah— caramel machiatto. 

that's all kot for now. the rest two rooms.. uh bye? *side-eyeing haziq* but tomorrow we are continuing on our library aka bilik komputer and dining room. please pray that I don't end up giving up in the middle hahaha

Hilarious Video-Call

wouldn't be here if it ain't for the video call with syaza. 

we. were. hilarious. 

this is just one of those moments we would probably enjoy doing in IPBA now if we weren't stuck at home. but hey, doing it virtually is fun too. I'll take it. I can't remember the last time both of us sat together to unleash all the inappropriate jokes we have in our minds.

oh come on, we all have that one friend, or MORE THAN ONE FRIEND that choke up bantering just about anything meanwhile you just sit there staring while holding your laugh, waiting for your friend to ACTUALLY start telling her jokes, snorting in between. no?

like this?

We were on a good track and I thought the discussion was going to end smoothly with no damage to our lungs for laughing too much. but nope *cross the list with a big X mark* not today. honestly, poor the screen. it had to witness us losing our minds over small things we joked about, that I am sure we could have been slapped if it was actually a living thing. 

The thing with syaza is that, we can literally stare at each other and burst into laugh. so you can imagine how it was like video-calling with her and even so, we tried so hard to suppress our laugh (because we are at home and it was late at night too. we don't wanna make pontianak jobless) Syaza and I shared so much common ideas, even when they are sometimes stupid and nonsense hahaks and I guess that is why we can comfortably speak to each other. 

and I am so grateful for her, for each of my friend. It's a blessing to be surrounded by friends that wouldn't expose me for the things I do (for obvious reason haha) actually, more like they couldn't because I have the exact same thing against them too. This is how the friendship is withheld tbh, in case you are curious.

Ok but my friends are honestly a bunch of fun people. I don't have many, I really only have a few to express my honest feelings to, so they mean a lot to me. Hope it's the same case for them too (who knows if one of them is actually waiting to kill me, you can't be too complacent with people hhh)

Anyway, I miss my friends so much. really can't wait until the day when the only thing that keeps us apart is the distance less than 1m. aw. haha night!

Hari Raya 2020

this post is overdue, I know. there is nothing much going around and my life, I must say, is boring in the extreme. but I can't bring myself whining about it either. I realize there are people outside who are tested greater and beyond what I am experiencing now. aaaaahhhh chop-chop! enough of the pep-talk, what is this post about again? Oh Hari Raya.

  Selamat Hari Raya!

It's the same for some of us right, given that our movement was restricted? like performing Eid Salaah in the loving company of our family members, the humble preparation for the morning, a little visit to our neighbor's house next door– just enough to remember what this celebration is for and continue harvesting good deeds after.

The solo photo-shoot was rather early this year. I like doing it in the evening better when the sun isn't that blinding like it was that morning. (but come on, I couldn't wait until evening. Changing my attire into shirt and pants was the only thing on my mind the entire morning– which couldn't be accomplished before because of the Raya visits) 

However, I must say I wasn't in disadvantage at all because the pictures came out really good! (puji diri sendiri) Thanks to the flaming and shimmering sun. and oh! oh! I wore eyeliner the first time too, did it myself but ofc, the camera didn't do any justice for that smh *disappointed emoji*

Here to some of my Raya pictures 2020!

LOL to the cringy pink collage :p

We also celebrated my niece 1st birthday with balloons and a cake on that day. It was a rewarding, happy day after all (especially after I changed into a comfortable outfit to relax and chill for the rest of the day. haha :p)

And then to the number of video calls from families and friends! Ugh, I can't express it in words how lucky we are to be in this virtual era of advanced technology- having 6 persons per video call? Impressive and so so much needed, especially in this critical time. After so much fuss and chaos (rolls eyes), I finally got a hold of my friends. We were so uncoordinated for a reason I couldn't figure! haha but it was gratifying to finally see them fit and fiddle, on screen! I caught up on a lot of things with my Irshad and IPBA bestfriends. (except Kakti, Alyn and Isma who legit were there for the ig-worthy screenshot hhh jk) 

My classmates and I also made a spin-off version of the tiktok rush challenge? (please, we are just novices) cuz everyone just did their own version, you can tell we are all amateurs. Below is my part,

(Yes, I only gave them the "after" vid LOL I tried)
special thank to Syida for the amazing edit and compilation hihi

Malam raya was also lively because of my nieces and nephew (oh, aunty miss you hadif and hafiy D:) Alang wasn't on the picture because it's his wife's turn this year, but he brought his family the night before. Bunga api is a tradition at this point haha I was so delighted to be a part of my nieces' early memories about how it is like celebrating Raya. The joy was, of course, unparalleled to what we had back on those days. therefore I found my heart broke a little for them. I know it wasn't as perfect but the night was definitely a merry night. After all, Raya isn't only about that either hihi and once again

Selamat Hari Raya semua! :D

Ramadhan Feast

Alhamdulillah, by the grace of Allah, my family and I successfully cooked for the whole kampung today! never felt as satisfying and rewarding especially when we know people love the delectable and delicious food– Nasi Arab, one of my Mom's signature dishes!

NGL, it was extremely tiring. this whole cooking process for such a big group of people is really not my thing but what choice do you think I have? *wipe tears* however, the thoughts of having people savor the dish over-passed my huge tendency of turning lethargic and by the time I realized, we had already finished everything! yep, 6 hours striving in the kitchen felt like one hour! so so grateful for the strength given!

btw, it is a norm in this kampung that every family, or club can book any date in this holy month if they wish to do a feast. in the past, of course the people would swamp the surau for iftar, but given that we can't do that anymore, the people opt to packing and distributing the food instead♡ only one day isn't booked throughout the month. it's wild honestly haha!

Oh, aside from Nasi Arab, our neighbor made some dadih and chocolate cakes for everyone too and may Allah reward her abundantly!! p/s: eating the two together made them so much more luscious and mellow! istg, you gotta try the next time you see them!

The exciting part for me was to distribute the food to my brothers (they live relatively near to our house) therefore, today marked the first time I went out after almost two months!!! such a history!!! and my bff Alyn is so lucky that I didn't miss her out! thank God, I finally remember how she looks like now lol T___T (she lives few houses away from my brother's)

May Allah give us more will and strength to continue doing this every year!

Here are some pictures I took randomly of SOME of the process :D

   

        

the picture on the left was the first batch of roasted chicken using oven and air-fryer!

 there were like 80 ketol ayam... back-to-back kerjanya haha!

but we thrived fortunately! alhamdulillah.

thank you for the review alyn ahaks!

That's all I guess. hope everyone is doing good♡♡♡♡

Ramadhan + being the eldest

Ramadhan Mubarak!

Alhamdulillah, we are now entering our fifth Ramadhan and I hope everyone is in fine fettle! There are vast differences between Ramadhan previously, compared to this year, but again it's expected. I was looking forward to how it was going to be conducted, and I learn better how it differs for everyone now.

With that being said, if we are living fine, with affectionate parents, or if we get marvellous food served on the table on time without any distress or worry over it, or for even having a roof above us, please, please be grateful and if we really do feel thankful then it all goes back to how we perform dutifully in this blessed and holy month.

Some have to put up with abusive family, which might challenge their mental while fasting, and that alone should give us so much room to reflect upon. we are grateful NOT bc others have it worse, but because Allah is testing us, the same way He's testing them. It is to see how far, or to what degree we are ready to commit ourselves to Him, be it in any way– sedekah, reciting the Holy Quran and more and more!– to show our gratitude!

Secondly, for me, I have now instantly become the eldest in the family with two younger siblings, one a princess, the other a prince (rolleyes). Usually, I would have my two sisters to help with the chores but one is married and the other is away in Australia and I realized how pretty laid back I was when they were around. 

now I understand them so much lol u____u

However, I have to admit that I am having fun with this role, maybe because the sudden rise in the hierarchy makes me freer to do what I want, instead of being told/ordered to do what I'd initially wanted to do. The latter used to annoy me so much, haha but oh, I was just silly. so yeah, I am kind of footloose and fancy-free now except that my commitments are much bigger, especially in the kitchen.

For my Ramadhan goals, I have a lot, and Alhamdulillah I am progressing very well! It helps better if we write our small daily goals before we start our day (preferably before Subuh) so we don't lose our direction, bc you know, we tend to get swayed anyway into doing lagha stuff, haha so yep!! inshaAllah writing down the goals helps!

I pray everyone is progressing the same too! It is never too late as long as you are still alive and kicking! May the differences in this year's Ramadhan impact us deeper and immensely boost our Iman. 

InsyaAllah, at the end of the day, we'll see the hikmah behind everything.

InsyaAllah🤲🏻

My New Favorite Pastime Now

Have you discovered your new favorite pastime during MCO? I think everyone can at least list one thing we discovered about ourselves, because it's like that to me!

I just knew that I loveeee being inside the pondok, as we call it, and mind my own business alone. It's too warm in the house nowadays. I always wake up in the morning covered in sweat. Don't we all? but that's not my point today.

The message I wanna get across today is, should I feel cold or convenient inside the house, I wouldn't learn how more serene it is outside. It took me a swift second to totally fall in love with the vibe as it's incredibly quiet too. As the MCO is extended, there are less cars on the road, leaving me with only the sound of cicadas, the chattering of the squirrels and the chirping of the birds, which have made me feel so calm and harmonious.

Now my routine is just about the same, to reside here under this old hut after Zuhur,  Asar, Maghrib, and today, right after I performed my Subuh. Dragged my blanket and locked myself outside of the house to read and continue my catnap. and again, I can't describe the tranquility of that moment, being watched by the small cute crescent moon, breathing the scent of the morning air.... phew. 100% would do it again.

Such little thing kan? Not like I'd never spent my time here, but it felt waaaay different, and better? Maybe because I have started to be concerned over how my future me would look back at this day, at me, of what I did, so there would be no regret, only an acknowledgement and appreciation to the time spent brilliantly. There are more in fact, but let's just save that for my future me to see!

Special thanks to Mak and Abah too sebab selalu teman :D we usually hang out together lepas kerja and sembahyang! and below are the pictures I'd taken this morning and evening. (sebab cantik hihi)

                           
                                             
The moon! geram.

Kak Una got married!

My sister just got married!!!!!!!

I was SO excited, bc see... I finally get all the room to myself! uh oh you have no idea how I'd been dreading for this. thank you kak una for getting married! I love you even more now. haha

all that aside, the kenduri was so much fun. It felt so worth it. especially when everything was sacked clean by the guests— the food I mean. We had all sort of food, the modern catering dishes down to the peculiar yet delicious traditional thai cuisine, miang kham. everyone was so frantic about it that day. it was selling like hotcakes! I was too occupied with the chores, I only had one.... nevertheless, it felt more rewarding when the guests enjoyed it.

now that I look back, it's a miracle that I survived all the wedding preparations, from Along and all the way to kak una, making it four in total. phew. and there are still four weddings to go.. y'all this time I already got a room, next time better be a house or sumn. haha. jk.

anyway back to kak una. congratulations :') I am very glad she tied the knot with the love of her life and I pray nothing but for her eternal happiness and blessings. I pray she stays as radiant and delighted, just the way she has always been. I don't say this often to her face, so now I am writing it- kak una, that day you looked remarkably pretty that even with the minimal make-up and setting, you shined like a Queen.

slays

but duh today you are back to orang gaji fashion concept and I am.. utterly disappointed smh.

time flies huh? who knows what comes next. seven year-old me had never thought of the day the family would grow this big was coming, but today, here we are. 

sans sisters-in-law and my niblings.

Blissful Birthday

Alhamdulillah, I got to spend my 21st birthday in my hometown after so many years and honestly, like previous years, I did not expect much bc my fam rarely celebrates birthdays. We would usually wish each other and say goodbye. Therefore I am easily satisfied with anything. The older I get, the less expectation I have.

but this year, given the date fell on the same date as eid al-adha, I guess everyone felt like it was a chance for them to celebrate it and I still have no word to express my gratitude and gratefulness for having them in my life, my family and friends.

All the wishes, failed surprises (yes, surpriseS bc both my fam and my friends failed to surprise me hahaha), gifts, birthday song, movie date... If I were to die that day, I would die on cloud nine.

First of all, SFS were Such crackheads istg, they thought I would get sad over not getting my wish on 12am? they were being so obvious that they didn't wanna wish me so I'd already had an idea that they were going to surprise me that day -______-

and I was right. again, they were being VERY Obvious that they were getting me something from Dominos we went to. I felt so bad I couldn't stand the urge to tell them that

"OK GIRLS JUST LET IT OUT ALREADY I KNOW YOU GIRLS PREPARED SOMETHING"

but being an understanding friend, I played dumb. and acted surprised too. dang I should have had my Oscar trophy by now.

and yeah I brought hadif along too. he thought we were celebrating him (ugh kids) 

and after all the laugh and wishes, thanks to hadif, we went to watch boboiboy 2 which is.. 

oh m gee. it is So Amazing. we were all in awe (kids indeed always teach us something, thanks hadif) it was one of my best decisions ever. gone all my friends' perceptions about this movie (ive always been very fond of boboiboy though) I wanna watch it the second time.... I LOVE it.

now let's get to how I know my fam was going to surprise me. like any of my previous birthday my expectation was low so they actually had a chance to grandly surprise me.

but haziq decided to ruin it -_________-

when my bro and my SIL came back, they were supposed to put the cake in the fridge via back door so while they were in the middle of doing that, haziq was all around me smiling and obstructing me from walking anywhere 

LIKE PLEASE I WASN'T EVEN PLANNING TO GO AND SEE WHAT'S OUTSIDE IF IT AIN'T BECAUSE OF HIM THAT WAS STANDING ON MY WAY AND MADE ME CURIOUS. 

so I Went and straight away saw my SIL with a cake. it was really awkward bc I knew it was for me lol. I immediately turned to haziq and smacked his head, laughed and pretended nothing happened.

what's funnier, as they were caught red-handed, kak anih later came and convinced me that the cake was not for me. you all gotta see her facehahkghsdjkb

dia ingat aku bebudak ke hahahahahaha

that night when we were eating the most delicious bihun sup by our mom, they switched off the light and brought out the cake while singing a birthday song for me.

all of that for hadif to blow my candles -___________________-

yes, another dominos in the house haha

I feel so blessed Alhamdulillah. and thank you everyone for the wishes. I really, really appreciate them :)

Do what the doctors say

when I tell you to just do what the doctor says, do it!!!!! don't act a genius, don't go against them, if they say something that hurt you, instead of sighing to them, understand that you lack something which they don't, apologise to them and promise to follow whatever they say, they are doctors, and you.. you are not.

(Ok the last few sentences are obviously meme I took from twitter)

anyway,

my shoulder is the walking example of what could happen if you don't listen to them.... it's still so painful every now and then.. this is why. if my child ever do what I did, imma pull his or her sideburns- both sides!!! (mak where were you at that time...)

so first, imma flaunt myself- I was a fighter. long story short, I injured my shoulder in a softball game when I slid past the catcher and she butchered me in an attempt to tag me out at home plate (THE UMPIRE CALLED SAFEEEE - ONE POINT TO GRYFINDORRRR)

and by the time I realised I was already on the way to the hospital. lol. 

which I didn't understand why... bc I was fine though... except my shoulder....?

I knew exactly where that was going, the doctor was surely gonna refrain me from playing the next day, which was also the last day of the tournament. unacceptable!!! bc hello? I was one of the important players! (flips hair, I was the catcher) and so, I was very determined that whatever this doctor was gonna say, I was definitely going to go against him.

yes him. bc I remember he was bald lol. so the whole time he was checking my shoulder I told him I was okay, and asked him to allow me to play.

I shouldn't have done this but bc I am (self-claim) honest, I begged him to tell me it's okay. and when he didn't, I told him he was wrong (the audacity)

The whole session I argued with him that I knew myself and what my shoulder was capable of (bullsh*t) and please y'all he was so frustrated, he told me "kamu rasa kenapa kepala saya botak??? saya kata kamu tak boleh main!"

I was like *hold my tears* SO WHAT???????? (dalam hati)

....ok doctor you were lucky my teacher was with me, or else /rolls up sleeves/ I will... eeeeee..... (I know I sounded dumb but please I was 16)

so you know I had to go back wearing the arm sling.... and my stubborn self... really took it out right after my teacher dropped me. idk what went on my mind (but uhhh so wild 16-year-old farhan hasanah!) if I hadn't done that this pain wouldn't have obscured me forever. and even wilder, the next day I still played... I mean ofc my coach was on the doc's side.. but I still played when my friends were training. istg it was actually painful but I was a good (and stupid) actress....

hope that gives you a lesson bc really... you don't want to go against them, ever! the next time I ever meet that doctor I'll apologize... bc indeed, you are bald for a reason *cries in a shoulder-crack language*

Sem Break

holla everyone! how's your day? mine is ...alhamdulillah excellent! Just having another chance to live today make me so grateful and happy. I had few goals in my mind before I went home this break and one of them was to get a part-time job. Alhamdulillah this was rather easy so yeah landed myself a job almost immediately after I went home.. and the best thing is.. my day off is on Monday! How brilliant? and bc my boss is my bro so like...

it's good to have a say on everything you are asked to do. for example of when exo had their broadcast last night and I asked him to come straight after his work so I could go home early or when you want your day off, or when you want to eat, you just order. lmao my working ethics but hey I have never had my day off yet so 10points for me haha truthfully it was tiring to see my bro, idk why he had to choose this career when he already has a very stable job (but nah imma pretend I understand and bc he just likes Business) but what I don't understand is probably the way he turned down so many great offers from overseas so that he could take care of his business (bc hello you can hand it down to me?? LOL) but as a good and obedient little sister who probably has no significant in his life, I am going to support him.

and! second goal was picking up my reading. I used to read a lot when I was 17 so I bought lots of books and until today, 3 years later, I still haven't finished most of them.. typical fake enthusiastic girl haha (and bc I am more caught up with fanfics online which Is So Good Y'all really won't have any idea if you never read them) so uhm proud to say I have read two books this entire break..?

I had so many other goals but I don't think it's ever worth mentioning bc it's just things lads usually do in the house with family which I am so grateful for (until farhan hanis had to barged into my room and annoy me EVERY SINGLE SECOND and so I asked her to compensate it by treating me. always work) and I have the whole room to Myself...... bc farhan husna is currently away from home... super great. but not great realising you have less people treating you food bc farhan hanisah is also away :/ and aurora my niece!!!!! my sem break is definitely brighter bc of her haha

This is how my sem break is! and needless to say... exo too.... uhm nevermind......

(ha folks You Thought!)

EXO REALLY SAID LET'S MAKE HASANAH'S SEM BREAK MORE MEANINGFUL THIS YEAR. oooffffsh gotta love my men! Thanks!

My first heartbreak

Oh if you think my first heartbreak was because of love, you are wrong. The farthest memory I had of the word and feeling “heartbreak” was when I was 7 years old. I remember shedding so much tears when this happened. Hm what could a seven-year-old be crying about? Toys???? Wrong. Biasness??? Try again. Tripping over something?? Big fat NO. Coloring competition???

Oh heck YES

Look, I didn’t even understand why would I cry over something so petty like that? I didn’t even go TO win, I just went there because it was compulsory for year 1 pupils. But why oh why did I cry so hard? Not just one time but twice! (firstly, when they announced the winner and it wasn’t me (I expected that but I still cried lol) and secondly was when I told my father that I didn’t make it (WHILE crying)

So uhm why did I even cry again?

Okay, let’s put the blame on my father (haha jk) but for real though, I still remember clearly he told me “Hasanah, kaler bagi cantik and menang!”. If it wasn’t because of those words he uttered, I wouldn’t have cared. Tbh, when I was given the paper, I still didn’t care. You see, I wasn’t good in art, any form that links to it. None. Therefore, my kinesthetic ass decided to go around talking, helping others picking their color pencils while ignoring mine. LOL.

Well, not until the teacher informed that there were only several minutes left for us to finish the coloring. Aaaaand that’s when I panicked because I remembered something- oh! 

MY FATHER ASKED ME TO WIN!!!! HE’D BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME!!! I HAVE TO WIN THIS!!!!

So I cried right THERE and THEN because lol you bet? My paper! I still haven’t colored them!!!!!! I could only see his face when he told me to do my best and win it. I didn’t do both.

Because of my dramatic cry, I managed to gather my friends to help me finishing the job. THAT, also I did while crying …damn it my memory is too good to forget that I cried while maundering under my broken sobs- “abah aku suruh aku menang….TTTTTTT” to my friends. Eeee embarrassing hahaha why did I even- nevermind. Apa yang penting? Kerjasama!

Even so, it’s cute how I still held a little wish to win when it’s obvious…. that.. hm… lol.. that’s probably why I cried so hard. Because I was hoping too much haha

Whatever to all of that because what abah said the next second I told him was- “lahhhhhh tak apalaaaahhhhh, nanti cuba lagi”

Abah for real la? After all the embarrassing stunt? -__-

So, when we were little...

I don’t remember specifically HOW I grew up, but I knew I had many siblings and that my family was big. Therefore, my childhood revolved just around them? Their friends were my friends, and this kampong was a whole lot merrier than it is now. I wonder why? 

There used to be just few houses here in my kampong so what was left for us was either the messy bushes or still-in-building houses. Now, all the free tapaks had been replaced with real houses haha how time flies. Back then, the free tapaks were our playground, I remember. Imagine, we had even played hide-and-seek in this entire kampong. I remember hiding at my neighbour’s balcony and they didn’t care! Sometimes when we were tired, the pakcik and makcik would even make us drinks. That was how small my kampong was, we knew each other so well. I was only little at that time so alang and my sisters took care of me a lot.

And then comes my house. It was the center to all kids in this kampong (I believe still is, to my friends) It was because my parents didn’t care as much as other parents did- so all kids resorted here. We didn’t have a spacious field to play football but my house compound. Tuju kasut, football, teng teng, everything.. now let me count those I remember.. well there were perhaps more than 10 of us. My parents were honestly saints. 

When we had ps1, they even came into the house to play, making my home as theirs long before the phrase “buat mcm rumah sendiri” came out. Even worse when we had ps2 and my parents, they still didn’t care. All I remember about my childhood was that, I played outside a lot. Mingling with others too. Compared to now… well, even then we had a big thick-ass computer! Hello! I played Mario! But none of that could compare to playing with my siblings and their friends outside.

Funny moments? Let’s not get me started. Every time we settle ourselves in kak anih’s room we would always bring back those funny and childish childhood memories of ours. Back then it was serious but thinking back now, they were all so funny. Our fights, our plays, our hidden agendas we planned, our white lies, everything.

I never realized how tired my parents were, especially my Mom when she handled little us. All I knew was that we were never left to starve and that the food was glorious and delicious. I feel sorry for her and I can never imagine being in her shoes. Ever. (Tearing up a little bit as I am thankful for her, and my Dad)

Ah those times, were all happy times. Why do I feel like the years, when I was a child had gone like they were just a day? Too fast. I don’t think I have savored them enough. Well, I didn’t know I would grow up this fast, did I? But what I certainly know is that I can’t wait to tell my future kids, in details, how I grew up! (it’d be too long to write here tbh) telling them because in this era, most kids would never get to experience our kind of childhood anymore, will they?