I felt... stupid?

I am not stupid. I am THE teacher.  I am not stupid. I am THE teacher.  I am not stupid. I am THE teacher. *chants this endlessly*

Ok, the class now is tad different from my previous school. The kids are advanced.. at least that's what I thought. Therefore I got all anxious and nervous by myself teaching them. I mean, I was not wrong to feel that. You see, I love when kids ask questions. for example when my nephew asks things like 

"Macam mana burung boleh terbang?"
"Sebab burung ada sayap"

"Kenapa burung ada sayap?"

 .......yes okay. listen hadif.. *opens the book of 100 white lies you can tell your nephew*

However this time I can't really lie. I am the teacher. (I mean trainee teacher. but the kids don't know that) and so you are expected to know mooore than Google. I mean awh, I am flattered but I am not that smart, darling. 

I don't hate it, come on! I told you I LOVE when kids ask questions. Whatever the questions may be- stupid, nonsense, academical. It's just that I was toooo anxious that sometimes when I got asked out of nowhere, I would doubt my answer and prefer to "Ok let me Google" to make sure my answer is correct. Most of the time it is. see where the issue lies? my confidence.

"Why is Port Dickson called Port Dickson, Miss?" ugh. I think it's the name of the.. but WAIT. what does that have to do with my lesson now?!?! *cekak pinggang*

Haih kids.

Oh but now I think I have gained my confidence back seeing their workbook. I mean *evil laugh* dear dear, you have a lot to learn, like me! anyway they are at least advanced speaker so my instructions always get through easily and that is truly something I am grateful for! 

so yep,

I shall not be stupid. I am the teacher. 

Adjusting Life

two words - NAK NANGIS.

the end.

that's what I actually felt the first five days I was here.. weird sangat, macam tak boleh nak adjust dah duduk sini. I feel defeated tbh bc gosh I can't believe I am 22 and still act like that huhu therefore, I stopped acting tough and just cried my heart out. like a kid I am.

and I felt sooo relieved after that, and... I finally feel adjusted.

Apart from the fact that I am going to shoulder bigger responsibilities now, I am beyond delighted that I finally met my friends!! my happy!! pills!!! 

pastu apa lagi ek...

oh, school is fun too. I haven't known the kids long enough to talk about them but I hope they are at least adorable and not just ..plain evil. please.

Kakti is still in a happy relationship. I am happy for her.

Kama is still ...a crack. I laugh at every thing she does, the same way she does to me. two idiots, we are.

Hajar.. oh, sorry, including her.. three idiots. 

Syaza.. she's still purring. glad the purr did not change into a roar now. basically, she's the same.

Mira.... just as assertive as she is, with Lai clinging along. What a sight. 

Kak Maine.. now now.. wow. can't tell much, it's a secret but I looove her help. definitely one that makes me feel at home. 

don't wanna part with them, but I absolutely can't wait to graduate. less than a year left! we can do this girls!

What Writing a Research Proposal Feel Like to Me

hahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahaha
haha ha
ha ha (gelak nervous)

After a few weeks of keeping my nose to the grindstone, battling and smashing the keyboard to finish my research proposal, I am very happy to say that I get to live to see another day. I don't think people have an idea about how exhausting the life of uni students are right now and sadly I am no exception, except that I am from IPG and we probably have it worse. 

Ever since online classes started, there is an abundance of tutorials to do INDIVIDUALLY and to top all of that, we have to complete our assignment too, which sounds normal? ugh come on? everyone in uni does that.

until... it was time for me to work on my research proposal.

I might be exaggerating saying that it has damaged me a lot? but yeah I guess it's fine to sup coffee day and night, and let that caffeine drove my anxiety up hill, messing with my sleeping pattern and my relationship with my family. yep. no big deal. except that it made me feel stressful. extra stressful.

no cafe hopping to de-stress, no taking the lrt to admire the busy cities, no meeting up with friends, and it made me realize how much I had taken the simplest thing in my life, for granted. who would have imagined that we are gonna get confined in our house this long for a life-threatening reason?

so yeah, in a way it stresses me, it also teaches me something– to not take things for granted again. now is the time to reach out to our friends in need, to look around and care for people, to help and lift each other up.. and increase our amalan! our solah, our Quran recitation. now! is! the! time! it's cliche to say all of this you know, but I am glad I get to see it from such a view. I hope the same for all of you too. Come on, we can do this. (Now that I've completed my research proposal, I think I can do EVERYTHING muahahaha)

I hope to spend more time with my family, do all the above and of course, to leisurely lay down in front of the tv all day, too. Oh, I love the tv. and movies. and here's a picture of my humble and messy desk (which has no role at all in this narrative but I guess you might wanna see where I spent most of my day? ..no? haha)

#NP My Love - Baekhyun

Camping aka BIG

I went for a camp with my 50 other batch mates last week and oh me gerrrd if i could describe it in one word, it would be:

SATISFYING.

in term of everything.

the way i worked my sweat off (istg it was mega, major, hella tiring), the hours i spent to cuci pinggan and memasak instead of sleeping, and of course the fun and challenging activities I did with my friends- satisfying! feeling tu macam.. you know when something ends then you can't wait to go back and throw urself onto the bed bc you are So satisfied that everything is paid off? yes That.

honestly, even now im still not sure if i have qada' all the sleep i missed during the camp haha

we did activities like abseiling, rafting, kayaking, jungle trekking, masakan rimba, water confidence in the pool (yay berenang!) and ...cooking, for 6 kali sehari. /lap peluh/ and yeeeehaaaaw i Love All the activities! especially abseiling. killed it. ohoks. well, it was all fun and game for the activities until you are the ketua kumpulan for masakan so it gives you space to always be anxious tak ketahuan and you pulak jenis prefer doing things by urselves... imagine. Alhamdulillah my group mates were Oooookaaaay so my worries were for nothing.

to be very honest, i dislike giving orders. scratch that, i *Don't Know* how to give orders. i uncomfortably tried, and idk if i did good? lol but at least my kumpulan cooked so well! and i can't tell how grateful I was. Our delicious tomyam and scrumptious kueytiaw, the drinks. biarlah nak kata masuk bakul angkat sendiri pun ahaks bc most importantly, i learned a lot. it would get predictably boring if i were to write all.

last but not least, i know one thing for sure, that is, everyone wanted to go home asap. i mean, you could tell from our bulging eyes and our weary faces that we were silently pleading "Oh God, we can sacrifice anything and everything in exchange You send us home ASAP."

but I think what gave us away was the laaaast night during our final reflection. one cried, two cried, everyone cried. the chain didn't stop and it went all the way to our lecturer that everyone couldn't tahan their tears and you could hear the sobs. mine excluded bc i was too sleepy... my tears were robbed by my big yawns. but i felt the sorrow, the feelings shared, the nostalgia... needless to tell, i love the vibes. and after that night i guess everyone decided to be on the same boat, which is, agreeing that this camp is extraordinarily the best one. nevermind our sleepless, tiring days and nights, the memories created were too precious and priceless... I guess?

Wohoo! Rafting time! sangat enjoyable :(

What do I feel about becoming a teacher

I am not good with words, but I sure can tell when I first thought of it, I was scared. That might be an exaggeration for some of you who know me, bc to you, I might give off an image of a person that is not scared of anything...

When in truth, I felt extremely nervous, and afraid. Those feels did not come to haunt me until I was 3 days away from my first day of practicum. the thought of handling something, including kids in my case, had given me intense anxiety I never knew I had. All those subjects I scored A had never told me how to cope with this... and it made me felt like I was alone. (I mean, I am always alone tapi ish banyak cakap pulak)

HOWEVER,

the first day after I wrapped up my first class with the kids, I can confidently tell you that I was freed from all those feelings. I swear. Like, I had never been so certain in my life that this is what I have been wanting to do, and how happy I was (still am). idk if it's because of the autonomy I was given in class to control the kids, or maybe, it's the mere idea that I could work my brain off to think how to help the kids, and that there is an abundance of them in my mind in which I could have done had I been given more authority, time and money. It's so amusing that every lesson teaches me something new, things I could do to improve my teaching and particularly, myself. There's no space to get bored at all? and oh my my, wouldn't everyone like it? like being busy doing things you LOVE. 

oh, there was so much I wish I could change within the school itself too but that's for some years to come I guess uhu ajetnye :)

In short, I am happy. and may this happiness and joy of doing this work last until the day I decide there is something happier I can do, but for now, it's this- teaching the kids as their teacher. lastly Alhamdulillah, who could have known that the fragile me 3 days prior first day of my practicum would prefer teaching than attending classes...

time flies. haha.

Motivational Talk with My Pupils

last wednesday me and my other two practicum mates were given a chance to have a pep talk with the year-6 kids. the odds were the teacher somehow found out about our result and decided that we were an opportunity he didn't wanna miss.

so there we were that morning, scratching our heads, sighing and burying our heads down the table trying to figure out what we were going to talk about. we were expected to talk- as to inspire. so tell me, how a mere ordinary 21 year-old like me would be able to pull that?

nevertheless I still walked into the hall through their flaming gaze towards the front. their glowing eyes traced me as if I were to drop some magical tips for them to score their exam. I thought I would crumble out of nervousness but omg lol it was a whole lot different from my expectation because sitting in front of me that moment were the innocent souls whose future is lying bright ahead of them.

Immediately I regretted that I did not prepare myself enough other than a short note I scrabbled quickly before that session (it's helpful still.) but time was up to ponder over it so I picked the mic and started.

and fuh.

I had never felt this confident in my life- being able to deliver my stories, quite interestingly to the kids with full penang loghat.

I believe the major factor was because I spoke utagha kehkeh. like... that was incomparable. it's like the wall was instantly destroyed with it. powerful. I could see how I wasn't disappointing the kids. At least I could tell how they were attentive to my loghat aka my talk. lol.

It was a good experience after all. Who wouldve thought that?

In case you are wondering, yes I was saying

 "hampa tau dakkkkkk"

Letters for Me

I never thought I would do this letter thing, bc I wanted to keep it until my last day. but Oh god wouldn't I love this cheesy part (rolleyes) so yeah I did it, but this time around I told them I don't want sweet messages. Their letter should be anonymous, and they can complain about me if they want.

On God, I stressed many times to them to insult me if they want, or if they don't like my teaching, or if they found my class boring.

I forgot they were just kids, I guess they would be too innocent for that...

So.. sweet messages we go.

I read them in the car bc I couldn't wait (quickly regretted it, I forgot I tend to get dizzy reading in the car) but what else should I do? skip their letters? no lol I enjoyed their grammar errors...

In conclusion from what I read,

KIDS.

ARE.

SO.

CUTE.

I SQUEALED.

They boosted my confidence, changed the way I walk and talk (like tiberrr today I put an accent in class when I talked), enhanced my vocal, cleared my skin and improved my grades. I feel like these letters are EVERYTHING. IDK if you could see how sentimental these letters would be for me..

but in 10 years, one day, as I would be searching for my husband's tools to repair the bulb (honestly do we need TOOLS to repair a bulb? IDK), he would come and say "Sayang, isn't this yours.." and I would be amused, bc there is this little box, carrying all the letters.

I WOULD. CRY. So Badly. 

(not bc of the letters but, oh my God, my husband called me sayang?) hahahaha ok jokes aside, I would kneel down and read them back one by one as tears would roll down my cheeks..... and my husband would cry along too bc he couldn't see me sad!!! (..nyempat)

but you get the gist.

I would be so sad... I've grown so fond of them, imagine NOT waking up to go to their class but to IPBA.... oh my my..

Here are most of the letters (if there are more, I would update them) they are so sweet aren't they? (pleading-eyes emoji)

I don't deserve them, cries.

How college changed me

How college changed me?

The answer is, a lot. except that I am still messy.

First, I learn going out on my own. You know? the whole me before 2016 would be shocked. who would have thought the girl who couldn't even walk pass by a stranger alone could finally go out, take a bus, eat, hang out- all Alone? this whole cycle teaches me lots of things. one of them is- nobody cares about you, so carry yourself, Yourself.

Secondly, (god forbid any of you bringing this up in front of me) my college teaches me how to be grateful. as a fully functioning annoying and fussy human being, I know I badmouth a lot about the condition and facilities in this college, but at the end of the day, God always leads me back to see how things are worse outside, heck some would even do anything to be in my shoes. My mom always stresses me about this, I hardly ever hear her complains. So when I do, she would shut me real quick with words like, 'be patient for Allah wouldn't burden a soul beyond what it can bear'. simple but when uttered by your Mother, it soothes every single burning cell in your body, so you are back to "Ok I am chill now" mark as life goes on while you count your blessings. Well, not until you encounter another problem and there comes again the cycle.

Next, most of my friends before would agree that I was an extrovert, heck even I thought so. but being here, surrounded by housemates who prefer their lone time more than our group time, I found myself following their suit. and I like. it. not attaching yourself to someone really make you stress-free. I get to know myself better too, especially on what /I/ want. All thanks to them. I love them so much. I am never restricted to hold onto my own opinion even if it is different from theirs. We fight and we correct each other, without any sarcastic remark and any personal feelings involved or without any unnecessary rolling eyes needed. Gossip? this is the best part of my housemates. We speak little about other people... like honestly. Is this how an adult life like? bc... I kinda like it but I hate the fact that I am /gasp/ 21 now..... what. the. apple.

My housemates are really like my family. Maybe because when I am with them, I am 95% myself so I am always super happy. Ok enough about housemates I am gonna end up writing a whole post about them. With that I wanna correct myself: My housemates are annoying I Hate Them. Thank you.

All these changes weren't the one I had in my mind when I prayed to Him to give me friends and surrounding that would strengthen me, way before I came here.

You know what I had in mind? strength from people who would /support/ whatever I do or think. but you see what He gave me? Circle of friends of the complete opposite. and with that, I gain strength of gripping myself better than I ever did before. His plans are indeed the best! in a way I got what I had prayed for too! Alhamdulillah.

also the most prominent change in myself is my melatah has switched from "oh mak hang" to "oh mak Kau" ah, am i Proud.

Class Drama '18

tesl students and dramas cannot be separated. i repeat. canNOT.

it was fun for me at least! i prayed all day for me not to get chosen as a prop leader whatever, or anything to art leader- and yay! Alhamdulillah!

There were times I was frustrated, mad and annoyed but thinking that everyone was probably trying their hardest to show their best, I just- aww lil munchkin it's okay you did a good job <3

Talking about that... I always feel the need to assure people they are doing fine, maybe because I wish people would do the same for me kahkah 

wait omg im so annoying. let's get back on the drama track.

oh there was one thing exhibition team had asked- childhood photos. i messaged my fam and they said i had none. lmao. ok. (all the conspiracies of me being adopted is probably true now) so I handed in my sis' childhood photo and I feel so... sorry for everyone who was fooled thinking it's me😔 it's not like we sisters had any difference anyway zzzzz

I took a role of a scammer too, close to a witch idk..? it was just a minor role. there were times I felt tired practicing and helping other teams but I think it all worth it? and I am so gonna miss it but to go through it again??? LOL NO. THANKS.

aaaand we did an excellent job on the stage!! Mr. VC even asked us to perform this drama on other stages and to never stop acting.. haha i cringed so badly but.... thanks.. I guess.. and to the audience who came in a swarm to congratulate and say that they enjoyed our stage.. thank you hihi

that's all! bye!

Forced to Move into a New House

My morning was extremely cheerful. Hajar and I were even sashaying to our own beat and guess why! it was bc we read joongki and hye gyo's  marriage news! true beauties, aww. not to forget, at exactly 12 a.m. the same day, we were celebrating kak maine's birthday so frickin joyfully too. we truly didn't see what was coming.

takda angin takda ribut, ip*a suddenly asked us to move. into. another. house.

Are we a joke to them? I was so so enraged. and mad. very mad. they actually asked us?? who just moved in bc our room previously was badly damage, into another house again????????? 

no, oh my god do they seriously think we bring only ONE small bag of our stuff? uhm? there are like 10 bags though? and upon confirming the news, I cried so hard that I pengsan right after that (tertidor). and then woke up to a headache after. I felt so down. fuh I can't explain the resentment and hatred I was holding at that moment and I hate how they turned me into a state I had never even seen before in me. It was peak frustrating feeling and highkey tiring istg.

and ofc, being that clingy anak mak, I called and talked to my mom and OMG I wonder again-

"Why moms are SO GREAT?"

they are really a comfort. talking to my mom was like consuming sedative pills. I became so calm and immediately started to see the bright side of what had happened to us. Mak reminded, Allah won't burden a soul beyond it can bear! That's it! Instantly, I turned from being a pessimist into an optimist. (special credit to: mom!) and I can say I moved on so fast from this tragedy. yes. tragedy.

and because it was Kak Maine's birthday, I didn't want to focus much on our hapless day so yeah we tried to shift the mood as Kak Maine was affected too. To do that, Kama and I treated her a cup of TeaLive and thanks to Kama the mood was lifted up pretty quickly. Well, I know I can always count on her, we are merrily connected and at least we manage to pinch Kak Maine's chin up, as well as ours.

and today mark the day. I have packed some of my things, getting lethargically ready to move out tomorrow. still feeling indolent. and ugh have I mentioned about how we had fought with the authority to let us stay but to no avail? sighs. All I can do now is to be positive for I believe everything happens for a reason.

Hm, will dearly miss you, rumah 602B T_____T