Faith Events: Dr Omar Suleiman

 a quick update!

i opened my instagram that day, after going back and forth installing and uninstalling it (that's how determined i was to get rid of social media, although now the determination is gone GONE lol) and there it was!! the announcement. or the poster, whatever, which i never even knew, trust me, it's the first time i learned about faith events, or that Omar Suleiman was here before.

took no time to ask around but since none of my friend was able to go, i went alone. well, not so alone with my Kindle! brought so many book characters with meeee. tbh that was the only chance i got to spare for reading pun, because gosh, if not for this chance, that Kindle was better... off without me. finished a book and a half though, and that's what i would call a weekend well-spent!

Dr Omar Suleiman? ah don't get me started! i stumbled upon his podcast when i was bored, idk, and i instantly got hooked on The Firsts Series by him on Spotify. go check them out! if you love Sirah as much as I do (i figured i love Sirah because i just love listening to stories, never fail to intrigue me!) you better check them out!

I could never really focus in such setting. until the day I attended this event. wrote a whole 20+ pages listening to him actively. and this came from someone who always fell asleep during agama class, dari sekolah rendah way to college, im not even kidding (well, not surprised because look at me *stares in the mirror up and down and shakes head in disappointment*) 

i went back that weekend with so many resolves but if they were a list, none of them is checked, yet lol btw he's such an excellent speaker i think it'd do good if everyone could listen to him. there are probably parts of what he said that i didn't instantly agree with, but that's for me to ponder upon because if there's one fact i know, it's him being way more knowledgeable than me, i don't even dare but im proud that im at least... thinking. the more i think, the more i trace how our faith should work and i pray nothing but the best for me in this regard. well, aren't we all?

i'll add the picturessss later when im free lol  

Diari Ramadhan Hasanah Part II

"Hasanah!"

I tossed and turned. uhmm, this bed's so cosy.

"Hasanah!!!!"

tossed and turned again... now with a slow grunt because ...okay. I know I promised you Mak, but it's still so early... it's only.. *double tapped the phone to see the time* te... TEN!?!?!?

never had I jolted out of bed to dash into the kitchen that quickly and I really stood in front of her to process what she had baked without my presence, alone, at her old age. eyes still squinting.

"Mak gerak kamu dari tadi!! tak bangun bangun"

and I died a little inside. dang you Hasanah, how could you.

but I felt way worse when I saw her almost finishing the kuih she made. ...Mak... maybe I should have just died then. How could I? (◞‸◟) I immediately said an innumerable amount of sorry, wash myself at a lightning speed, took a seat and asked, "okay Mak, now what's next?"

She jeling me. but it's okay, I deserved it.

seriously, how did she do it? she woke up for Qiyam, went for Subuh berjemaah, so what? she probably started all of that at 8-9am right? so how did she do it? I woke up for Qiyam and I struggled to even open my eyes for Subuh (◞‸◟)

 
however, the other kuih ship had to sail, and it won't sail if she continues to merajuk. Therefore, to make her my bestfriend again, I reminded and praised her how she's such a superwoman, unlike me who's weak, lazy and ungrateful. there's nothing I could do at this point other than acknowledging my fault which isㅡ breaking my promise with her, leaving her alone to make the kuih. I knew I am Mak's carbon copy and it's in our blood that our type can't be angry for long. Hence, the ship sailed. quickly. tq Mak for being my Mak. I love you. 

I even created one core memory while doing this with her. it was mak and I dancing and singing to a song while moulding the kuih. just two domestic women enjoying the time in the kitchen. what a time to be alive! 

all of this and you'd think im the worst daughter ...until we are onto our third kuih and there came farhan hanis looking dejected just like I was two hours before and I shook my head with a jeling to her like I didn't commit the same crime. lol

a carbon copy is a carbon copy indeed.

we proceeded to sing together as we made our fourth kuih, now with the added member farhan hanis ♪(๑ᴖ◡ᴖ๑)♪

the mess in our kitchen.

Taking Care of a Bunch of 17-year-olds

I did the Maths. So when I was seventeen, these bunch of seventeen-year-olds in front of me were eight. EIGHT. *stares into distance in disbelief*

Anyway, I didn’t let that get the better of me, because age is just a number and if I see them having fun, I can, too, you know? Age is just a number.

But they weren’t having fun when I saw them just sitting, chatting away. And that bothered me for a reason I couldn’t explain.

I knew I wasn’t obligated to make suggestions of what they could do while they were on this quarantine period and I don’t think I was even allowed to, but they weren’t doing anything— anything fun and I couldn’t just let that be.

Therefore I took no time to composedly proposed a game, pretending I wasn't excited for them. especially when they chorally answered "Nak!!" in unison. eheh. now, onto the game! it's a game where I think they could experience a sense of betrayal from people whom they thought were they friends, a game that would make them look lame if they lose their cool, a game where everyone needs to carefully think, a game those our age are probably familiar with—

Werewolf and Citizens! *flashes a mischievous smile behind a curtain*

It didn’t surprise me that they haven’t heard of it, but I was touched for a second when I was explaining the rules, because woah, I am really going to be this one teacher they remember every time they play this game throughout their life. That’s. so. cool. Haha

And y’all, the quarantine period was from morning until 2pm, and they played the game the ENTIRE time. Shdsjjdksd I wasn’t expecting that. And I felt bad to be That teacher that had to control their noises bc as you know, this game can get INTENSE.

but the unexpected comradery I saw as they were playing it, the funny banter among them, the one two girls smiling sheepishly at the corner, the one boy who seems to be the heartthrob of this class, and me, looking at them.. had had me wishing I could be 17 again... *cooly wiped my fake tears in front of the whiteboard*

the quarantine room aka makmal sains

finally hitting the gym

is it the dopamine? probably. but am I proud? heck yes. haha idc I might just stop hitting the gym once I just ~don't feel like it~ anymore but pls do pray I would at least keep it going this whole month. lol

I usually (read: seldomly) exercised at night before, until I noticed "oh? exercising in the morning is not that bad?" during my December holiday last year. 

really, Hasanah, what have you been doing in the morning all this time? *squinting eyes, judging*

........well uhm aaaaaa uhmmm tidoq? *clasp hands nervously* 

JK. I did take a nap and it's definitely not a sleep, not when I have so many on my plates. cei.

but whatever to that because this year I already decided I wanted turn over a new leaf which is... hitting the gym ......in the morning. *slips hair behind my ear looking proud*

is there any change so far though? idk but one thing I note is I just don't sleep, sorry, NAP in the morning anymore. (I probably should!)

the gym is nice and simple. besides, barely anyone is there in the morning. and I go there with a mission. a goal. weight goal. I know I already shed off 15kg but it's... not... let's just say I have not reached my ideal weight yet and I eat like a possessed gurl every day gahsaahshahs

phew. a whole month okay? and it's only been a week. another three weeks! I got this! insyaAllah.

I moved out!

one day, as I was sitting down trying to finish my work, I looked around to judge my room layout (dia mcm tibbbeerrrr kan?) and I felt ... naaaaaa... I think it's about time to redo all of it.

that almari? shouldn't be there.

this katil? better be here. 

bla bla bla. 

and so I stood up, walked to the almari, tried to shift it. and if it weren't for the back side of the almari yg dh obviously brittle, I would have had a brand-new room. it turned out that that almari can't be moved, ever. or it would topple over and everybody would find me squeezed under it the next day. 

so I macam hm, what should I do now?

Honestly my laptop was probably glaring at me shouting "Well, DO ME?!!?!" that I had no choice but to sit down again, pouting, 'ala, bosanlah layout bilik ni' >.> *aggressively typed on the laptop* dasar ungrateful but whatever. 

and then guess what? shortly after, my landlord dropped a notice saying we had until January to move out because the house was then sold. 

ah, perfect.

so I giddily searched for a new room to rent and here I am tonight! in my newwww rooooom! Alhamdulillah! (I wish it was this easy without the sudden emotional realisation that I was Actually leaving the FIRST room I rented *wipetears*)

there's nothing really interesting pun, just a new fresh view but if there's one thing I have learned, it's... to not put a big-ass carpet or it'll be so dang hard to sweep your lantai. pls, every time I needed to clean my old room, I had to gather a magical strength to move the bed, the study table, the rak, before I could get the carpet off my floor. such unnecessary hassle. no more. just a nice lil carpet would do. (so yeah sorry Alyn, the carpet u bought for me is now safe with my sister u.u)

for now I am loving my new room and the new house.

but I wish people could have warned me how moving out is a super extreme sport. like, bruh I cried. but that too, had come to pass so I no longer mind it... (plus there's nothing I could do about it + I ASKED for it anyway haha) if anything, it had taught me not to buy massive furniture until I own a house.  

besides, they have a gym and a swimming poool hereeeeee. now aside from getting a new room, I can also come up with a new routineeeee??? insyaAllah. haha

bye!

2024 New Year Resolution

2023 was a blast and I will forever be grateful for that. I mature, I grow, I felt dependable, I have greater self-control, I read more than 10 books Alhamdulillah and I simply love all these little-by-little changes. insyaAllah I'll do better next year. (u think I should go for 20 books? naaaa lmao)

but there's one thing I haven't been able to do this year (yang I am aware of lol) that I will pass to 2024 me... it's...

detaching myself from social medias. or social medias without the S. because really, there's only Instagram left. I dah beheaded Twitter, which I thought was impossible so yeah I can do Instagram too. TikTok? never had it. 

It's not like I posted much, but... I would rather write long paragraph about what happened to my day in my diary or here. sometimes I do let myself get indulged in bad thoughts after posting stuff but most of the time I know deep down I dont care. Even if I cared it'd be just a few mins after posting and I would then totally forget about it. I know I could turn my ig captions into a blog post however I like, but the thing is, mcm, no thanks. hahahaha

so until then, I think I'd be good just writing on my diary or here. Plus Instagram features are great, haih, if not for the archive thingy I would even deactivate. but nope I takkan deactivate until ig mysteriously undo the archive feature haha. I would probably just post less.... especially on ig story. I also want to normalize posting stories later rather than immediately after. faham tak?

Besides, and this is the main point. THIS POINT SHOULD BE UP THERE WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I WAS WRITING THIS

*clears throat* ehem

there's so much work I could have done instead of scrolling past millions of reels. Isn't this us all? haha so yeah I think you get this. I also wanna stop justifying such irresponsible habit, saying it's my me-time that I thought I deserve. I want to be diligent and I think it'd be cool if I work harder on things that I like to do, especially things yang would help in my teaching like playing instruments! learning new language! equipping myself with lessons-based short stories for the kids. and more! eheh.

and for other resolutions, I will think as I go. I am not the type of person who would meticulously plan what my goals are for the year, I'd be better writing them by months (kononnnn ahahaha, done nipu) so yoooo that's all. Adios 2023! 

All My Birthdays

things I recall on my birthday. 

I came from a family who didnt really celebrate birthdays and we never cared to even ask why. till now pun idc much. that's why im BAD at other people's birthdays as well as my own😔 I think the earliest memory of me celebrating birthday was when I was 16, which was *gasp* 9 years ago.. (omg what?!?) 

it was when I baked my first cheesecake for my girls and they LOVED it (idk if they were just being nice bc I was the birthday girl kan, but hihi sumpah it was still the best cheesecake I'd ever had too *smug face*) and their praises were enough to get me so conceited and proud as a peacock to bake it the second time for my family ..only for it to be so below average lol

then I got to my 18th, uwu. I remember being grandly pranked by my housemates to which I really had NO idea at all. sly bi***, uhhh, thank you.

and then 19, pranked by someone who knew me too wellㅡ elle sharmaine hani🥹 she knew by then I loved getting wishes. so she secretly messaged everyone not to wish me. cunning. bet she knew how I was expecting them to the point where I would embarrassingly ask my friends to guess what day it was.........

in which i actually did😭 

I asked almost everyone and nobody gave me the answer I wanted to hear😭 I thought if I were persistent enough, someone would actually scream "YOUR BIRTHDAY!?!?" and I would say "Yes!!! HEHE" 

but no... what I had was a bunch of friends who guessed every kind of days EXCEPT my birthday😂 (especially you, Alia) wei I was so frustrated I ended up telling Alia "harini birthday aku..."  to which she nonchalantly replied, "ha-ha ok? Happy birthday?" (kak maine shouldve awarded her a trophy sumpah) 

it was so funny and disappointing at the same time😂 

but then there it was, my surprised birthday song by my classmates at the end of our class. shocked, thankful (and embarrassed) thank God the day didn't end with me starting my diary with how I was surrounded by fake friends. phew.

by the next next birthday I was already a pro at seeing clues and signs of my birthday pranks. therefore every prank after that was a fail, be from my family or my friends (born bijak mcm ni la haha astaghfirullah gurau) but I cherished every moment of it the same! hihi

pastu last year! got lotsa presents too (2 hadiah is a lot for me ya) walaupun I bukan jenis kisah sangat pasal hadiah, or anything related to birthdays like pls, I lost the first friendship bracelet alyn gave me when we were 16? 17? Wait.. 15?!? T____T

and then this year!!! happy 25th *gags* birthday farhan hasanah! Alhamdulillah I had a blast today, too. I guess if you, too, wanna make my day, wish me now before the clock strikes 12? hahaha classic hasanah, selfish and demanding with her main-character syndrome. 

hmm for my birthday, my cliche wish would be the things I pray for everyday kot haha boleh dak lagutu? the not-so-cliche one is for everyone who reads this to have his/her wishes granted! (mcm cliche jugak je hahaha)

ah whatever, im just grateful. bye.

just bringing my own quote back lmao

me vs cooking

It's not like I didn't try okay?!?!

I do cook. but the food... *smiles painfully*

I took cooking seriously when I started my diet few months ago but I don't think this should be counted as a way to improve such skill because? my diet food... was... a bit.. jdkjdksdjksjjhgdj

OK not a bit, it's VERY bland. therefore it should not be put in the list of things-I-did-to-improve-my-cooking. at. all. if there's ever a resume, the only experience I could put was all the time i was in the kitchen helping my parents, and even that can't help me to be a good, determined cook. I was only helping anyway :(

so now I feel like I have to start from zero. again. hihi.

but honestly, don't worry about me. bc heeelllo? I got the first thing ticked off already ok? which is ...my will. my will to cook. so I can assure you I am going to do fine. I also think that I got the second thing on my list ready— cooking videos from Youtube. phew, the amount of videos I had saved, you can't tell me that I am not going to make it. i AM going to make it. Watch me.

Besides, I often dream of making my own bekal. and it's not a typical bekal that I dreamed of, it's the aesthetic ones where they've got cute cut of veges and fruits, omelet, cute mountain of rice covered in sprinkles of seaweed, with marinated chicken pops or fried chicken pops or baked salmon or marinated beef strips, all arranged prettily in one bento bekal. wow. see, I dreamed of getting into that stage already. that means I already have VISIONS, alright? I am going to do fine! it's no biggie! *smug face*

Lastly, the most important thing I did which tells that this is a serious business for me is, I had uninstalled the glory app for a lazy cook a busy, career woman like me ......foodpanda! done and dusted. away from my phone. see my determination? unmatched. unprecedented. unparalleled. 

so what do you think? I am going to make it, kan? kan kan?

as the saying goes, when there's a will, there's a... *stutters* wa-ay! *laughs nervously* right?

on a serious note, yes, I do want to learn slowly. for me. for my little family in the future too insyaAllah ececei berangan. hahaha

2022 in a glance

too many things had happened this year that when I look back now, I can't believe it's all now in the past. except for me working because lol that's no past. that'd be my yesterday, tomorrow, in the future, forever sampai pencen. haha but truly, everything that happened this year felt like a flashing camera you know? one click with a flash and it's done. okay lol. I might be exaggerating but you get what I mean.

this year I moved into a new phase of my life— working life. bla bla bla same ol' thing I told everyone, I cried, sobbed, bawled, wept trying to adjust myself. so phew I am pleased that it's all done and dusted now. aaand I made friends with few of my colleagues, I was assigned tasks that I wished I didn't get, I attended my grad ceremony, I bought a car, I became spr staff, voted, decorated my single room, had a joyous family day, experienced raya kalut kalut haha (weh legit had to look up the year in case I was mistaken), went to Genting with Alyn, attended Kakti's kenduri in Kelantan with my gals and vibing with kelantenese, gosh it was the best— Kelantan is. I also completely lost my voice for a week aaaand in all those things that had happened, Alhamdulillah I learned so much in everything, albeit sometimes only after my self-reflection. (yes sis memang take time to accept things as it is :P)

Oh, and I lost 15kg too! How could I forget that? perhaps because it's still counting. I plan to do a separate entry for this once I have reached my target too (which is only 4-5 kg away now, yay) so wait and see? haha

and my birthday! my birthday this year was a little sad to write about tbh. ye la, compared to previous years when I was studying which is = when college housemates were around. the bar was already set too high. but no worries, I was cool though and bc if I told you guys, I think most of you would symphatise with me instead haha even I do at times when I brood about it. Let's just say I was alright and that the chances the same thing would happen again next year is high. haha

hmmmm so now, we are down to the final week of this year, a significant year I'd say. with all the new things I have to adapt to especially. and even in this final few weeks I had squeezed an opportunity to challenge myself to go out of my comfort zone and just DO IT! Alhamdulillah and InsyaAllah I pray that everything from now on to that day is eased. Aamiin.

alas here I am, not ready to bid farewell to this year yet but hey, it's still 4 days away so I think I will have an ample time to finally bid adieu to this eventful year. nevertheless, I hope next year would lay more chances for me to become happier and joyful-lier ahahah. Aamiin.

I rode and I rock.

Ok, the title sounds like I did a major thing like riding an ATV on the highway or sumn when really... I only rode a motorcycle! for the first time! in Selangor! (plus, it's a scooter y'all!) lol 

please give me a round of applause.
please.

It was not easy to muster up my courage to ride one, because first, I am a very-dramatic queen. I mean, look at me writing here like I didn't start riding a motorcycle at 11? *laughs nervously* but on a major road like a highway? yep, TODAY was indeed my first time.

It was so funny, I was really chill, and excited too, but I still couldn't shake off my anxiousness, the same anxiousness I feel when I try things for the first time so I checked my BPM right before I hop onto the seat and I saw it rose up to 114.. lol

one hundred and fourteeeen BPM oh my God LOL

I was That nervous huh? and ironically that calmed me down a little because I burst out laughing instantly...

because look. at. me.
I am INDEED a drama queen. hahaha

and the ride was smooth, I went to work and got home safely, Alhamdulillah. It's fun in its own way but I think if I were to ride it everyday, I would have to pray harder for my pinggang. Sakit nyiah.

In case you are wondering, Putih (the car I drive) is with my BIL right now cuz Putih is dramatic too apparently— sent her for a check-up that she desperately needed.

Do I like being alone? Yes, No?

 Alright. Where do I start explaining things so you guys won't get me wrong or think that I am difficult or just fussy and annoying. 

*deep breath and crack knuckles*

When I was in college, I remember writing here to tell you guys that I learned liking to be alone, doing things alone and when I moved out (temporarily) from my parents', I thought whoa, this time is finally it (after all the 'adjusting' 'homesick' drama ofc)

UNTIL...

...NOW that I AM actually alone.

Alright don't call me annoying yet, hear me out.

I... perhaps only like being alone WITH the presence of someone else that I can freely talk to/annoy when I feel bored (...Oh God, that makes me sound like a jerk who treats people like they are an entertainment but no. Let me try and word it right)

—I perhaps only like being alone WITH the presence of someone else whom I can freely talk to/annoy. titik. (is it better now? lol)

Ok the point is, I can't be alone ALONE. I need someone else beside me. because it feels too quiet at times that I feel like running home and honestly Mak Abah would've approved it if I told them I ran home because there were some ghosts around. but no. It's only because there is no one around to make (bearable) noises.

It's worse when I am on my period and feel lazier (than I already am lol) bc I don't even wanna try to busy myself to keep my mind out from those thoughts. Interestingly, I am okay at night when Gee and the rest are around. so that's when I came into such conclusion— that I can't be alone ALONE.

It was only this morning I felt like crying but girl was even lazy to cry that I chose to hold it in so that's when I asked myself... didn't I like being alone? no..no..no. wrong. wrong. I don't like being alone ALONE. you get what I mean? T__________T 

and it's fascinating when I know that there's someone else who is in the same shoes as me as soon as I tweeted about it. now I am not so alone anymore, am I? lol

What a complicated person you are, Hasanah. Go to sleep, really.

We had covid.

it's about time man.

so this was three? weeks ago when I went home for holidays and all of my fam members contracted this virus as soon as we got back from eating at Halab. At that point, we didn't care where and from whom we got it from because our whole kampung was down with it anyway so like I said, it was about time. Was I worried? Definitely. especially for my elderly parents. did I see it coming? Yes and No because we did try our best to protect ourselves too, but God had said "Kun"— be and it is. 

Mak was the first one to get infected and when she was down with it, none of us had symptoms or were positive. It was heartbreaking to us because we had to submit Mak to the hospital as her low oxygen level was worrying. (Thanks to my quick effort to go buy the oximeter as soon as we confirmed her case, yep! defo need that credit!) and so my holidays went by without my mom except for the first and the last few days of the holidays (it's a three-week holidays) 

and two days after Mak got admitted, everyone in the family was infected. what a chain. I took Panadol every 6 hours for two-three days and I became better Alhamdulillah. and I had fun supervising Abah because our friendly banter of me forcing him to take his meds was really hilarious (sometimes. well, until I got serious to counter him as he's always being playfully stubborn)

While I don't want to go through that again, I would say it was a healing experience for me, to remember Him, to remain steadfast in my faith and to grow even closer to my family through ibadah means. All we did was praying, connecting to each other for Mak.

when Mak came back, I was so happy, so grateful, so relieved. Many scenarios were in my mind when we were sending her off to the hospital but oh, God, thank you so much for choosing the best one to come true. Alhamdulillah.

and now Gee is quarantine-ing herself in the room as we speak. Do pray for her.

Adjusting

Right. stepping into a new phase of life will always be about adjusting. adjusting yourself to a new place, friends, environment, state.... school... which is what I am weak at. If accepting reality is a subject in school, I would a get an F. 

I don't think I am a pampered child but I am close with my family + I enjoy little to big things I do at home like annoying my parents and siblings. eg: shuffling into their bedroom to perform an octopus dance then walk out right away kind of daughter/sister? That's the type of person I am at home lol

and there is no one else I could annoy like that here. that's one of the reasons why lah. there are many more reasons and I don't have the energy to type them out— of why I felt sad about this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. Grateful for the job given, grateful to have a good start in my life. there's NO but. The sadness I am writing here stems from something entirely different. It's my own self-conflict and issue.

Perhaps it's about stepping into something much bigger than I was used to.

I thought I was okay, or at least I was gonna be okay. I am 14 now kot? dah besar come on! but after I sent my family away and stepped into my "new" home, alone, I burst out crying instantly! what had made it worse was there was no one else around. the deafening silence I felt was so depressing and that's when I knew that wow, the reality had sunk in badly man. at least in Ipb* I had friends I could instantly hug to make me feel better.. 

then I went into my room, continued crying as I tidied up my stuff, and laid down to sleep. Oh my, I told you I am so weak at this!!! I was thissss close to call my parents to come back and take me home but I held on.

by the fourth day I got so tired of this sorrow and desolation that I formed a new resolve to at least not cry about it. oh, I didn't only cry, I wailed. and red sleeve finale eps had made it even worse (tiber)

It's to the point I didn't know dah what I could do to make me feel better ....until I finally turned to Him. There's like a whisper that reminded me, "Hey, The Almighty is in control of your heart! Remember Him!"

so I started praying a lot. I got deep with Him. I let myself be more specific. I told Him everything. from acknowledging that I was in sorrow and that I was afraid of what this could lead to, to asking for His guidance, to praying to Him to alleviate my sadness. everything. 

and I have no one else but Him to be grateful for, for the people He sent to remind me of Him. Hasanah, put Him first in everything you encounter— struggles, happiness, sadness, grief and He would turn all those into so much more that at the end of the day, you'll find yourself be even more grateful to Him.

so remember Him!

Sweet Octovember

have u ever had a child coming to you crying, desperately asking for your help, looking unnecessarily cute and pitiful as their eyes swelled with tears for such a simple problem...? no...? cuz aw, you might wanna adopt one BECAUSE *SQUEALS* *SCREAMS* *PUNCH WALLS* I WOULD IF I WERE YOU.

(k I don't think many parents would agree with that but oh, who cares when I have nieces and nephewwwws for thaaaat)

Hadif got like this once so I hugged him and patted his back then reassured him that everything was gonna be fine (aunty-of-the-month behaviourrrr haha) even though I was actually holding myself back from teasing him cuz really? Hadif? IT'S ME WHO NEEDS TO CRY. eh sorry ter petty pulak.

Obviously issa joke bc I love treating them like adults when it comes to their feelings :) uhu ajetnye

so uhm.. basically octovember is the month filled with me going out and having extra fun with my niblings, one that I met for the first time, the others after a year.... yep.

It got pretty chaotic most of the times especially when you put two toddlers in the same room with just one type of toy. no double, no copy = fighting. but I enjoyed it. certainly not like how I enjoyed rnb or ballad— by exo and I don't listen to rock and roll, which is probably the genre of their cries. but still, family is stronger than a music genre - Vin Diesel  (eh tiberrrr haha)

and for that quote too I feel like I could do anything for them except, basuh berak dorang. so yes sorry vin diesel, I lost it at basuh berak. I haven't taught myself how to handle the sight of seeing someone else's poo, but I promise I'll get better (says this since Hadif was born and he's now 7) *sweating* ok alright fine call me as it is— a bad aunty. FINE. *slams the door* *EMO* 

I treated them so nice I wish I was in their shoes but hey my childhood was awesome too so I did not want them to miss out on playing traditional games or bringing them out— anything, anything but staring at them gadgets *angry emoji* and for that, I could do a finger count of the hours I was at home because most of the times we drove them to places where they could have fun. yep. without their parents :P

and you know they had a good time when they silently cried by the car window on their way home, missing their grandparents' house. yes hadif, I am talking about you.

and as they went back, I held my phone scrolling down the gallery filled with their pictures and sobbed to myself because lol u think aunty is strong? no. lol. honestly the whole picture stuff is the thing that I envy most about kids nowadays because awh :( I didn't have that many pictures growing up and it's such a pity.

for that I am sure they will be grateful for the pictures when they get old enough to look back on their childhood memories.

another three not in the picture :>

so such is my sweet Octovember hiks :>

Hello

 

Hello.

uh... this is awkward. 

I was supposed to write about the final few days I spent with my housemates before we bid our farewell MONTHS AGO... but.... I came home and was too caught up with my own sadness that I... now... have no will to do so anymore. yeah, it be like that sometimes.

I write best when I am excited and that's why I tend to write a lot after drinking my coffee as that's when I feel high to work my fingers out to type about anything!

However nowadays, not even the coffee could excite me. I... 

It's not like I dislike being home but... you see, I love it. and that's the problem. I love it too much that I have become so comfortable being in this safe bubble without stepping out of my comfort zone to learn something.

and I feel pathetic.

and it's not like I didn't try either!

All the things I enjoy doing like writing, reading, listening to podcast have turned dull to me and every time I gathered new resolve to start something, I find myself crawling back to the corner where gloominess, sadness are around. It's tiring. I could tell you all the things I have bought as a revolution to this circle of negativity but it always just ...that. That. It just stopped. Even writing here today took a lot for me to finally do it. I had at least two drafts I deleted because halfway, I didn't feel like it.

I guess writing every thing down today is also a way for me to start anew? 

I mean, do I want to change? yes? 

but will I change? we'll see. hahaha

but at least I finished writing here today so that's one assurance for you that I will finally get back on my feet to make everything exciting for me, again.

How about you?

Adjusting Life

two words - NAK NANGIS.

the end.

that's what I actually felt the first five days I was here.. weird sangat, macam tak boleh nak adjust dah duduk sini. I feel defeated tbh bc gosh I can't believe I am 22 and still act like that huhu therefore, I stopped acting tough and just cried my heart out. like a kid I am.

and I felt sooo relieved after that, and... I finally feel adjusted.

Apart from the fact that I am going to shoulder bigger responsibilities now, I am beyond delighted that I finally met my friends!! my happy!! pills!!! 

pastu apa lagi ek...

oh, school is fun too. I haven't known the kids long enough to talk about them but I hope they are at least adorable and not just ..plain evil. please.

Kakti is still in a happy relationship. I am happy for her.

Kama is still ...a crack. I laugh at every thing she does, the same way she does to me. two idiots, we are.

Hajar.. oh, sorry, including her.. three idiots. 

Syaza.. she's still purring. glad the purr did not change into a roar now. basically, she's the same.

Mira.... just as assertive as she is, with Lai clinging along. What a sight. 

Kak Maine.. now now.. wow. can't tell much, it's a secret but I looove her help. definitely one that makes me feel at home. 

don't wanna part with them, but I absolutely can't wait to graduate. less than a year left! we can do this girls!

How I Lost My IC

there's really no cure for carelessness. it's either you aren't born with it or it just sticks to you like an undying habit for the rest of your life. I am speaking for the people who tried to change this but failed, not once BUT MANY TIMES. like me. (prayer circle for us all)

last Saturday, I had a grocery day out with Kama in Mid Valley, and ugh of course, of course my confidence was high that I actually used my IC for lrt, knowing perfectly I could have lost it like how I lost all of his 4 step-brothers. I was thinking, ah... there's no way I would be That careless to let my own IC goes missing. the others are just what? two student rapid cards? two touch'n'go cards? no big deal. my IC would neverrrrrr

or so I thought.

until I was in front of the scanner heading back to IPBA when I stopped mid track and phew.... there it goes. I SUCCESSFULLY DID IT AGAIN. I think I am too immune with this kind of incident that I calmly said to Kama,

"Weh. IC aku hilang."

and there was Kama, standing at the other side of the scanner, panicking. I was like,

"Yes Kama, it happens every time"

She was so confused on how I could let my own IC goes missing and blergh.. again, I went telling her my history, the die-hard habit of mine- that if I hold something, and put it somewhere, 90% of the times I would forget to take it back from who-knows wherever I put it. but kama was still in disbelief,

"....tapi ni IC kot?"

gosh. how do I explain to her that someday even if it's a laptop that I lost, I won't be surprised...? (but Oh Allah please protect me. I can't afford another laptop..)

However, Kama was so keen on asking me to go back to check, when all I had in mind was to go home and, you know, maybe start planning on which day I would be free to create a new IC... but I couldn't bear seeing her holding hope that I could get my IC back, so I just ran my way to AEON alone and asked around, mouth reciting du'a, bc you know, you can never go wrong with du'a anyway, aaaaand nope. my IC was not in sight. at all.

not even by the next day when the aeon customer service told me the same thing.

the same day, I settled everything with the police bc I need their statement to create a new IC, right? and it was done very quickly! Berkat doa.

Told my parents, my parents weren't surprised. Told my friends, they sighed for me, with a note, "Again?", I cackled haha. Told Alyn, she wrote back,

"Akhirnya. Bukan phone yang hilang dulu tapi IC. that's better." -__-

is there a bet on me that I am not aware of?

Btw, here's one of the du'a we can recite if we ever lose something!

Sorry for the hassle that day Kama, love you.

McD Pajama Party with GALS

yes you read it right! pajama party in McDonalds Bangsar y'all, bukan beshe beshe ohkaaay! idk what went into our mind that day when everyone collectively agreed that spending the whole night in McD was a great idea.. lol alas, we enjoyed it so much!

the idea was to walk out of our college few minutes before curfew in our (sort-of) pajamas, and get to McD to spend the whole night there, playing games, open up about things, and basically just having fun. and that's exactly what we did. 

even the night was beautiful. I might have regretted a bit en route to McD as we settled on walking instead of hailing a Grab, because it was (annoyingly) tiring (I prefer paying for Grab, easy peasy) HOWEVER, oh my god the view and the night breeze was worth the pain and sweat, like come on? you at least gotta try it once! As it was already late at night, the city somehow looked peaceful, and the neighborhood was endearingly quiet... which is rare to experience in this hustling city. It made the whole strolling with my friends more memorable.

Arrived, finally. Phew.

Strolling

the night went on as planned. we laughed deliriously, we made fun of each other.. just a bunch of girls trying to shift away from reality for the night and wrap it with momentous joy that would be remembered in 10 years' time! Just a simple event we promised to try once. haha

and the laugh is not all! we cried too (as much as I want to believe that it was bc of my yawn LOL gimme a break pls) but let's not get deep into that. I am worried I would spill everything as my fingers type. hahaha till then seeya.

the last women standing in McD that night.
6.30AM.

MyTown Date with Alyn

well, here we go again.

mytown mytown mytown..... when will Alyn and I ever grow up... like there's really no other place for us other than malls but whatever (rolls eyes) im gonna save this for another post.

*clears throat*

we were apart for a month so of course we I was all giddy and excited bc I missed her so much! (to slap her when I laugh out loud)

and oh oh! before we walk down the cheesy lane of my appreciative words to her, let me congratulate her for getting the first prize for her group research presentation they conducted in Russia! Alhamdulillah.

now back to the main event.

so this was our first meeting after she came back from Russia and even though I shouldn't have been expecting things from her (bc honestly her whole existence is enough for me), but still,

I was expecting things from her. hahaha

(but seriously though, I don't mind. I've told her before when we were? 16? that she could get me a rock and I'd still appreciate it)

but lmaoooooo who was I kidding... I went back with so many things she got me from Russia and I went (soft-eyes emoji)....

I love everything you got me Alyn, I am sure sfs would too.

and as if all of those were not enough... she got me a peripera lipstick as my early birthday present! ugh. how do I beat her now guys???? comment your ideas.

we then filled up our day by watching fast and furious aand omg we like it so much. highly recommended! Alyn couldn't keep her ass on the seat bc it was very thrilling and exhilarating!

I was like

calm
down,
Alyn.
/facepalm/

I also sat her down at the end of the movie bc I knew there was gonna be end-credits and holy, she really thought that was something only a genius could think of. like.. that's basic.

now to the most awaited event.

I finally had a hold of City Lights album Alyn bought for me. You know how she surprised me? she really pulled a "I already paid for it" word like a bomb. she Did That.

I was furious. Very. Furious. but it's always the thought that counts. I am more grateful than happy. This album now holds a lot more meaning than just being the album of my ultimate bias of 7 years. and I am glad Alyn is a part of it. I can't tell how much I really appreciate this. Oh alexa, maybe I teared up.

like look at it...

It is so elegantTT

Now time to walk on the cheesy lane, you guys may skip lol

Alyn, 

when we first knew each other in 2008, I swear to God that I had in my mind that I wanted to be your friend. you might don't remember this and you might think I am exaggerating, but I was so excited when we sat next to each other for the first time the same year. you know how I was always absent those years in sekolah arab...because I didn't have friends?

and seeing you having a physical fight with the boys had made me secretly wished that I was as sociable. honestly, I thought you were cool.

Therefore, my second attempt (I don't think it's an attempt, I just felt like it) was praising you in the mosque and even though you boastfully replied me (a foreshadow lol) I still didn't feel annoyed. 

Unfortunately, I preferred watching Dora than attending classes haha or we would have been good friends earlier.

but Allah's plan is always better. 

I recognized you instantly when I  first saw you shivering in front of our class in 2011! Yep! Like 'oh look, it's the same person I wanted to be a friend with three years ago!'

and like a knight in shining armor, I helped you and we became desk mates.

Fast forward to today, we are still the same young crackheads of when we first comfortably talked to each other.

All praises to Allah, The Almighty, The Best Planner of all.

okay alexa play been through by exo.

Seeing Good in People

So I was sitting at the back of the car when I thought .. fuh I am such a horrible person. Here let met me tell you what I did.

Few days back, I (maybe) had little conflicts with some people (or maybe myself) and instead of choosing to be rational and quiet, I battled with myself and told my roommate about the conflicts I was facing. and ofc, my view was bias, now that I think of it, bc I was more to defending myself than actually explaining what happened. I was only based on my hateful feeling and I realized I pointed fingers to others more than reflecting myself. I had this thought at the back of my mind that moment,

'...ah enough of being kind..' so I told everything to my roommate, my dissatisfaction, their faults and more.

now back to me at the back of the car looking far into the jammed road full of Mercedes and BMWs when I finally realized that ...wow I am horrible.

I really shouldn't have done that.

One thing that I always pray to God is to always let me see kindness in people no matter how bad, or how much I dislike them, and God grants me just That.

Just right after that happened, I see more and more reasons to actually appreciate them, even though I dislike them in certain ways, but there are more cases where I am fond of them. and out of sudden, the words I had told my roommate echoed in my head, and I felt so embarrassed, to Him, and to myself.

One lesson I got from this is to always keep our mouth shut, especially when it's on the verge of bursting curse words, hateful remarks or worst, bringing up the kindness we did to someone, just bc we didn't feel appreciated enough. be earnest, and sincere. be kind, and loving. Istighfar when we accidentally cross the line. Trust me, you don't wanna lose your points!