Adjusting

Right. stepping into a new phase of life will always be about adjusting. adjusting yourself to a new place, friends, environment, state.... school... which is what I am weak at. If accepting reality is a subject in school, I would a get an F. 

I don't think I am a pampered child but I am close with my family + I enjoy little to big things I do at home like annoying my parents and siblings. eg: shuffling into their bedroom to perform an octopus dance then walk out right away kind of daughter/sister? That's the type of person I am at home lol

and there is no one else I could annoy like that here. that's one of the reasons why lah. there are many more reasons and I don't have the energy to type them out— of why I felt sad about this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. Grateful for the job given, grateful to have a good start in my life. there's NO but. The sadness I am writing here stems from something entirely different. It's my own self-conflict and issue.

Perhaps it's about stepping into something much bigger than I was used to.

I thought I was okay, or at least I was gonna be okay. I am 14 now kot? dah besar come on! but after I sent my family away and stepped into my "new" home, alone, I burst out crying instantly! what had made it worse was there was no one else around. the deafening silence I felt was so depressing and that's when I knew that wow, the reality had sunk in badly man. at least in Ipb* I had friends I could instantly hug to make me feel better.. 

then I went into my room, continued crying as I tidied up my stuff, and laid down to sleep. Oh my, I told you I am so weak at this!!! I was thissss close to call my parents to come back and take me home but I held on.

by the fourth day I got so tired of this sorrow and desolation that I formed a new resolve to at least not cry about it. oh, I didn't only cry, I wailed. and red sleeve finale eps had made it even worse (tiber)

It's to the point I didn't know dah what I could do to make me feel better ....until I finally turned to Him. There's like a whisper that reminded me, "Hey, The Almighty is in control of your heart! Remember Him!"

so I started praying a lot. I got deep with Him. I let myself be more specific. I told Him everything. from acknowledging that I was in sorrow and that I was afraid of what this could lead to, to asking for His guidance, to praying to Him to alleviate my sadness. everything. 

and I have no one else but Him to be grateful for, for the people He sent to remind me of Him. Hasanah, put Him first in everything you encounter— struggles, happiness, sadness, grief and He would turn all those into so much more that at the end of the day, you'll find yourself be even more grateful to Him.

so remember Him!