My loyal, lovely watch.

My loyal, lovely watch. It's nothing fancy, you can even see the rust from the picture. but it's exquisite!

I bought this watch at a very cheap price from our local kedai, our frequent clock shop since I was little, and I have bought at least 3 watches there as I grow up. We watch the seller grows old, basically. An honest chinese man, probably in his 50s now.

aaaand.. that is why this watch is special. It is the epitome of my personality! I can't lose it. I would never want to and I hope I don't. As an avid minimalist, I always feel that it's enough for me to own just one watch my entire life, as long as it works. however, I had previously owned 4-5 watches and you might want to wonder why and what happened to my minimalist idea. (as someone who claims herself as one. rolls eyes)

here is the answer.

I have many bad traits- one of them is forgetting where I place my things and stuff. like, I could be putting my precious purse on the seat next to me, initially just for three seconds and end up realising I do not have it in my bag after I went home. That's how it has always been with my stuff, be it the biggest thing like my phone!

and yes, there goes all my entire watches that I lost. one of them was left in RnR somewhere, another one lost in surau ipba... hahaha ha...

thus, my current watch. many times I had lost my hope over this watch because I always, always forget to pick it up after placing it somewhere.

but every single time it happens, this lovely watch always makes its way back to me! I have left it in so many places, you name it. in the toilet, in surau ipba (again, tapi tak hilang), rumah sedara, everywhere! but it always always makes its way home, wrapped around my wrist in the end!

I love it. I love her. This watch is one of the few things that always reminds me how bad that trait is, and what I do to improve. Therefore, I don't plan on losing it anytime soon. I hope I don't. 

Sneaking Out to a Concert a Day Before My Exam

this was my first concert. also the first event I went to without telling my m- wait. scratch that. this was, as far as I can remember, my first time not telling my mom any of my business, at all. well, whose mother would allow her daughter to go to a concert, a night before her exam? asian mothers could never, I thought.

therefore I just went through it without telling her, with a courtesy of slipping my exam notes in between my stuff in the bag hoping I would read them, lessening the guilt of not revising the subject the night I was supposed to.

god knows how much I contemplated to post this picture on instagram that day, a month after it had actually passed. being me, I HAD ALWAYS wanted to post something that makes me extra, extra happy. at that time, all I cared about was posting that picture. sure I was worried, bc my mom follows me on instagram!

but I did post it anyway. 

and like a girl who just confessed, I threw away my phone right after I clicked 'post' and I found myself trembling, hard. chances were my mom was definitely going to scroll through her feed and saw that! I wished the words of "my heart is thumping loudly against my chest" could make a real sound so everyone could hear how loud it was. I waited for some moments after that and there was no call. no message. nothing. so maybe.. maybe I am okay.

and like any other day, I casually called her to talk about my days and I ended up tripping myself over the guilt I had.. lmao I really have to break it to her myself in the end, because it felt wrong to me T^T and it went like:

"Have you seen my latest post?"

"Hm"

"Do you.. know.. when was it?"

"No"

*nervous sweating* "Um it was right before my literature exam Ma"

"Okay"

"Mak tak marah?"

"Dah lepas kan. Sapa lagi yg pi?"

and I told her everything, the ticketing, my view that day, how I performed my Maghrib (important), who were the artists etc.

after some days it struck me, maybe, maybe my mom was waiting for me to tell her myself. maybe all I needed to do was just- tell her, myself. and I wonder what did she feel when she saw the post, was it anger because I went to a concert? or disappointment bc she knew that through my instagram instead of my own mouth? ....tbh high chances are maybe mak tak rasa apa-apa pun and I am just being dramatic right now. Hahaha

from that day onwards, I decided, it doesn't matter if I want to tell her earlier or later, I would never let her find out my days from instagram anymore... I hope so.

and I figured, my mom and dad are actually so cool about everything, probably because I am no longer below 18 now, and most importantly, it's because I know they have given me their trust so I don't think I want to break that. ever.

all I need to do is just, tell them.

and therefore that wraps up my first concert experience with Hajar and Kak Maine, seeing Red Velvet and NCT! FOR FREE. ihiks

Camping aka BIG

I went for a camp with my 50 other batch mates last week and oh me gerrrd if i could describe it in one word, it would be:

SATISFYING.

in term of everything.

the way i worked my sweat off (istg it was mega, major, hella tiring), the hours i spent to cuci pinggan and memasak instead of sleeping, and of course the fun and challenging activities I did with my friends- satisfying! feeling tu macam.. you know when something ends then you can't wait to go back and throw urself onto the bed bc you are So satisfied that everything is paid off? yes That.

honestly, even now im still not sure if i have qada' all the sleep i missed during the camp haha

we did activities like abseiling, rafting, kayaking, jungle trekking, masakan rimba, water confidence in the pool (yay berenang!) and ...cooking, for 6 kali sehari. /lap peluh/ and yeeeehaaaaw i Love All the activities! especially abseiling. killed it. ohoks. well, it was all fun and game for the activities until you are the ketua kumpulan for masakan so it gives you space to always be anxious tak ketahuan and you pulak jenis prefer doing things by urselves... imagine. Alhamdulillah my group mates were Oooookaaaay so my worries were for nothing.

to be very honest, i dislike giving orders. scratch that, i *Don't Know* how to give orders. i uncomfortably tried, and idk if i did good? lol but at least my kumpulan cooked so well! and i can't tell how grateful I was. Our delicious tomyam and scrumptious kueytiaw, the drinks. biarlah nak kata masuk bakul angkat sendiri pun ahaks bc most importantly, i learned a lot. it would get predictably boring if i were to write all.

last but not least, i know one thing for sure, that is, everyone wanted to go home asap. i mean, you could tell from our bulging eyes and our weary faces that we were silently pleading "Oh God, we can sacrifice anything and everything in exchange You send us home ASAP."

but I think what gave us away was the laaaast night during our final reflection. one cried, two cried, everyone cried. the chain didn't stop and it went all the way to our lecturer that everyone couldn't tahan their tears and you could hear the sobs. mine excluded bc i was too sleepy... my tears were robbed by my big yawns. but i felt the sorrow, the feelings shared, the nostalgia... needless to tell, i love the vibes. and after that night i guess everyone decided to be on the same boat, which is, agreeing that this camp is extraordinarily the best one. nevermind our sleepless, tiring days and nights, the memories created were too precious and priceless... I guess?

Wohoo! Rafting time! sangat enjoyable :(

What do I feel about becoming a teacher

I am not good with words, but I sure can tell when I first thought of it, I was scared. That might be an exaggeration for some of you who know me, bc to you, I might give off an image of a person that is not scared of anything...

When in truth, I felt extremely nervous, and afraid. Those feels did not come to haunt me until I was 3 days away from my first day of practicum. the thought of handling something, including kids in my case, had given me intense anxiety I never knew I had. All those subjects I scored A had never told me how to cope with this... and it made me felt like I was alone. (I mean, I am always alone tapi ish banyak cakap pulak)

HOWEVER,

the first day after I wrapped up my first class with the kids, I can confidently tell you that I was freed from all those feelings. I swear. Like, I had never been so certain in my life that this is what I have been wanting to do, and how happy I was (still am). idk if it's because of the autonomy I was given in class to control the kids, or maybe, it's the mere idea that I could work my brain off to think how to help the kids, and that there is an abundance of them in my mind in which I could have done had I been given more authority, time and money. It's so amusing that every lesson teaches me something new, things I could do to improve my teaching and particularly, myself. There's no space to get bored at all? and oh my my, wouldn't everyone like it? like being busy doing things you LOVE. 

oh, there was so much I wish I could change within the school itself too but that's for some years to come I guess uhu ajetnye :)

In short, I am happy. and may this happiness and joy of doing this work last until the day I decide there is something happier I can do, but for now, it's this- teaching the kids as their teacher. lastly Alhamdulillah, who could have known that the fragile me 3 days prior first day of my practicum would prefer teaching than attending classes...

time flies. haha.