Adjusting

Right. stepping into a new phase of life will always be about adjusting. adjusting yourself to a new place, friends, environment, state.... school... which is what I am weak at. If accepting reality is a subject in school, I would a get an F. 

I don't think I am a pampered child but I am close with my family + I enjoy little to big things I do at home like annoying my parents and siblings. eg: shuffling into their bedroom to perform an octopus dance then walk out right away kind of daughter/sister? That's the type of person I am at home lol

and there is no one else I could annoy like that here. that's one of the reasons why lah. there are many more reasons and I don't have the energy to type them out— of why I felt sad about this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. Grateful for the job given, grateful to have a good start in my life. there's NO but. The sadness I am writing here stems from something entirely different. It's my own self-conflict and issue.

Perhaps it's about stepping into something much bigger than I was used to.

I thought I was okay, or at least I was gonna be okay. I am 14 now kot? dah besar come on! but after I sent my family away and stepped into my "new" home, alone, I burst out crying instantly! what had made it worse was there was no one else around. the deafening silence I felt was so depressing and that's when I knew that wow, the reality had sunk in badly man. at least in Ipb* I had friends I could instantly hug to make me feel better.. 

then I went into my room, continued crying as I tidied up my stuff, and laid down to sleep. Oh my, I told you I am so weak at this!!! I was thissss close to call my parents to come back and take me home but I held on.

by the fourth day I got so tired of this sorrow and desolation that I formed a new resolve to at least not cry about it. oh, I didn't only cry, I wailed. and red sleeve finale eps had made it even worse (tiber)

It's to the point I didn't know dah what I could do to make me feel better ....until I finally turned to Him. There's like a whisper that reminded me, "Hey, The Almighty is in control of your heart! Remember Him!"

so I started praying a lot. I got deep with Him. I let myself be more specific. I told Him everything. from acknowledging that I was in sorrow and that I was afraid of what this could lead to, to asking for His guidance, to praying to Him to alleviate my sadness. everything. 

and I have no one else but Him to be grateful for, for the people He sent to remind me of Him. Hasanah, put Him first in everything you encounter— struggles, happiness, sadness, grief and He would turn all those into so much more that at the end of the day, you'll find yourself be even more grateful to Him.

so remember Him!

PENANG Penang

It's not just Penang but PENANG Penang.

You know what I mean? the island?

Growing up I have always called the island side of this state as Penang. never Georgetown, Komtar or any specific name of place on that side, it's always just Penang ...until GALS came to my house and confused me.

so our conversation went like this:

me: we are going hiking in Penang tau. must go in the morning.

them: alright. then kalau pi situ pagi, pukul 12 we'll go somewhere else.

me: no cannot. The taman negara is in Penang. we won't be back by 12.

them: why not?

me: bc it's in Penang kot? Jauh...

now having that conversation typed into words, I could only imagine how ridiculous I sounded that day. I mean, they are not penangites so one out of other things they know about this state must be its name— Penang. therefore what they thought of when I said "Penang" is that the place should be near my house. and I oop-

I really had to sit down and process my thoughts that... okay... no wonder they thought that way! It's only us, penangites yang panggil that island side as Penang. They, on the other hand, see Penang as a whole one state. You get what I mean?

It's only us who call the island side of Penang as Penang! especially if you are from the mainland! I talked about this to Alyn and she also went "Oh ha ah la..." before Zul continued to ask, "Habistu mainland korang panggil apa?"

me: IDK, I have always just said balik rumah.

haha!

on a serious note, the mainland part is called seberang XD

One of hadif's picture otw to Penang.

(Ya.. even though he was already IN Penang. alright fine,

 I meant the island side of Penang haha ...or the uh.. Penang Island)

Sweet Octovember

have u ever had a child coming to you crying, desperately asking for your help, looking unnecessarily cute and pitiful as their eyes swelled with tears for such a simple problem...? no...? cuz aw, you might wanna adopt one BECAUSE *SQUEALS* *SCREAMS* *PUNCH WALLS* I WOULD IF I WERE YOU.

(k I don't think many parents would agree with that but oh, who cares when I have nieces and nephewwwws for thaaaat)

Hadif got like this once so I hugged him and patted his back then reassured him that everything was gonna be fine (aunty-of-the-month behaviourrrr haha) even though I was actually holding myself back from teasing him cuz really? Hadif? IT'S ME WHO NEEDS TO CRY. eh sorry ter petty pulak.

Obviously issa joke bc I love treating them like adults when it comes to their feelings :) uhu ajetnye

so uhm.. basically octovember is the month filled with me going out and having extra fun with my niblings, one that I met for the first time, the others after a year.... yep.

It got pretty chaotic most of the times especially when you put two toddlers in the same room with just one type of toy. no double, no copy = fighting. but I enjoyed it. certainly not like how I enjoyed rnb or ballad— by exo and I don't listen to rock and roll, which is probably the genre of their cries. but still, family is stronger than a music genre - Vin Diesel  (eh tiberrrr haha)

and for that quote too I feel like I could do anything for them except, basuh berak dorang. so yes sorry vin diesel, I lost it at basuh berak. I haven't taught myself how to handle the sight of seeing someone else's poo, but I promise I'll get better (says this since Hadif was born and he's now 7) *sweating* ok alright fine call me as it is— a bad aunty. FINE. *slams the door* *EMO* 

I treated them so nice I wish I was in their shoes but hey my childhood was awesome too so I did not want them to miss out on playing traditional games or bringing them out— anything, anything but staring at them gadgets *angry emoji* and for that, I could do a finger count of the hours I was at home because most of the times we drove them to places where they could have fun. yep. without their parents :P

and you know they had a good time when they silently cried by the car window on their way home, missing their grandparents' house. yes hadif, I am talking about you.

and as they went back, I held my phone scrolling down the gallery filled with their pictures and sobbed to myself because lol u think aunty is strong? no. lol. honestly the whole picture stuff is the thing that I envy most about kids nowadays because awh :( I didn't have that many pictures growing up and it's such a pity.

for that I am sure they will be grateful for the pictures when they get old enough to look back on their childhood memories.

another three not in the picture :>

so such is my sweet Octovember hiks :>

Volunteering?

Alyn told me, "we are not volunteering, we are paid LOL" ...right miss. I know, I am aware of that. but God, you don't need to say that out loud come on... 

*whispers* nobody's gonna know.

Alright jk of course people know. I at least acknowledge that I wouldn't sign up for this if not for the money (lbr I need it walaupun tak byk pun ya kawan-kawan) but to say it's solely because of that pun macam amboiiii? and maybe because it's been a few days now, it never really crossed my mind if I am getting paid or not (trust issue ahaha)

BUT, I know one thing I needed was to be productive. therefore this was the opportunity that I didn't wanna let go. Especially then when my social skill was like back to when I was a toddler. *shrugs* It's been so long right.... who is you, who are me, where are us? Eh eh hahaha

Besides, like I wrote in my last entry, the boredom was gobbling me up and if I didn't do anything about it ...I would have probably turned into a crazy wench who tweets tweets like "beKsiN agEndA yaHudi koWunx!!😤" OR "i love keraja*n😍"

so phewwwwwwww. good grace. *lap peluh*

For this work, I am stationed at the counter where most clerical work is done to confirm vaccinees' identities. There were times when we had foreigners from China and thanks to Alyn, now I am probably at level 1 in conversing in Mandarin (Kids, level 1 is just knowing nin hao right? *stares curiously* *gulps* No?) Anyway, the star of the day was Alyn who takes a weekly Mandarin class, not me so *claps claps* 

Moreover, I LOVE love my carpooling session with Alyn because we always have something to laugh over everyday (usually of everyone's banter of the day) and I care less about how I always gasp for air wearing my mask as long as I can let out my laugh... I guess. welps. not until we laughed over that, too, because I was half-dying for more air LMAO

Anyway, from this I am finally learning how to socialize again, feel how to bear a commitment again, build my confidence around total strangersㅡ the hundreds of vaccinees I attended to and the other volunteers across all ages! and lastly, gaining all the experiences that this work offersㅡ whatever they may be :)

Lastly, may Allah always keep my heart full and steady and may He protect all of us from any undesirable situations that may harm us in any way. Aamiin!

I can't and I won't let people say "it's just that.... why do you have be so deep about it..." Oh, are you sorry that you are not sentimental enough to make a meaning out of every little thing you experience in life? because I am certainly not. even if I trip over a small rock and I feel like writing about it, I will. 

cei, tiber insecure and sensitip. 

Okay, may you only receive and hear good and happy things dear reader(s)!

Oh and please pray for my creative writing because I have been delaying my written pieces for what it's called a writer's block for a while now :(