2022 at a glance

too many things had happened this year that when I look back now, I can't believe it's all now in the past. except for me working because lol that's no past. that'd be my yesterday, tomorrow, in the future, forever sampai pencen. haha but truly, everything that happened this year felt like a flashing camera you know? one click with a flash and it's done. okay lol. I might be exaggerating but you get what I mean.

this year I moved into a new phase of my life— working life. bla bla bla same ol' thing I told everyone, I cried, sobbed, bawled, wept trying to adjust myself. so phew I am pleased that it's all done and dusted now. aaand I made friends with few of my colleagues, I was assigned tasks that I wished I didn't get, I attended my grad ceremony, I bought a car, I became spr staff, voted, decorated my single room, had a joyous family day, experienced raya kalut kalut haha (weh legit had to look up the year in case I was mistaken), went to Genting with Alyn, attended Kakti's kenduri in Kelantan with my gals and vibing with kelantenese, gosh it was the best— Kelantan is. I also completely lost my voice for a week aaaand in all those things that had happened, Alhamdulillah I learned so much in everything, albeit sometimes only after my self-reflection. (yes sis memang take time to accept things as it is :P)

Oh, and I lost 15kg too! How could I forget that? perhaps because it's still counting. I plan to do a separate entry for this once I have reached my target too (which is only 4-5 kg away now, yay) so wait and see? haha

and my birthday! my birthday this year was a little sad to write about tbh. ye la, compared to previous years when I was studying which is = when college housemates were around. the bar was already set too high. but no worries, I was cool though and bc if I told you guys, I think most of you would symphatise with me instead haha even I do at times when I brood about it. Let's just say I was alright and that the chances the same thing would happen again next year is high. haha

hmmmm so now, we are down to the final week of this year, a significant year I'd say. with all the new things I have to adapt to especially. and even in this final few weeks I had squeezed an opportunity to challenge myself to go out of my comfort zone and just DO IT! Alhamdulillah and InsyaAllah I pray that everything from now on to that day is eased. Aamiin.

alas here I am, not ready to bid farewell to this year yet but hey, it's still 4 days away so I think I will have an ample time to finally bid adieu to this eventful year. nevertheless, I hope next year would lay more chances for me to become happier and joyful-lier ahahah. Aamiin.

Had to Give Up My Bed to a Witch

Wow, wow, wow.

Look at me now, typing on my laptop while lying down on this cold hard floor in my own room!!! (although I am actually on a carpet but let's not be nice)  

Why you ask me?

because I had to give up my bed to the witch!!! just because I lost at osom!!!

This witch is really... (her name's Alyn btw but don't be deceived by that normal name)

so now yeah, she's resting on my bed while I have to once in while check my waist/hip to make sure there's no crack. and if you ask me why didn't I prepare a toto... well. I didn't think it was necessary since I have a bed lol ....guest who?

jkjk I wanted to buy it ofc but I've been putting it on hold thinking 'ah later laaaah' so now who's losing? Yeah ME. 

padan muka.

one night. I am going to bear this cold hard floor (with carpet lol) to honour my lost to Alyn in osom. should have never agreed to this game :<

but hey, if I could survive sleeping in cold weather in an open hall on a cold hard floor (without carpet!) 4 years ago (kem unit uniform), this is nothing. haha 

my view while the witch's laughing at the background 

but ofc you can't hear her cuz this is a .jpg #tiberbitter

1, 2 Diary— A Confession

I have a confession to make... to you, yes You. the very website I am using now, this blog, colloportuspell or whatever names I had labelled you in the past– yep You.

I know I have been telling everybody how you are basically my diary but you don't know do you? that I.. I..

I have my own physical diary, and it's not only recently *blows nose*

It's been forever if I were to be honest (and if the diary I had thrown away 12 years ago was counted haha) for you, and my physical diary, it's always been a matter of choice for me... 

and listen,

I don't mean to betray you, or cheat on you, but you'd probably guessed it, no? Afterall I only write here once in a blue moon...... but still...

I am sorry.

and I am sorry to tell you that I am now enjoying writing on my physical diary a lot more than I think I would. and it takes lesser effort too, and I don't mean to tell that writing here is a hassle!!! but being conscious of what I write here, especially publicly is getting a bit draining. 

but worry not!!! I will never!! abandon you!!

I promise I'll come visit, like today when I feel like confessing to you, or days when I feel like sharing my joy, if not all maybe one or two because after all, you've always been there. with me. the white screen for me to write on and share bits of my happiness.

and it will stay that way. for 10, 20 or 50 years more. insyaAllah.

therefore if you ask me will I ever write to you again? Definitely yes.

It's just a confession to get this guilt of always leaving this website for months, off this shoulder. hihi. 

I rode and I rock.

Ok, the title sounds like I did a major thing like riding an ATV on the highway or sumn when really... I only rode a motorcycle! for the first time! in Selangor! (plus, it's a scooter y'all!) lol 

please give me a round of applause.
please.

It was not easy to muster up my courage to ride one, because first, I am a very-dramatic queen. I mean, look at me writing here like I didn't start riding a motorcycle at 11? *laughs nervously* but on a major road like a highway? yep, TODAY was indeed my first time.

It was so funny, I was really chill, and excited too, but I still couldn't shake off my anxiousness, the same anxiousness I feel when I try things for the first time so I checked my BPM right before I hop onto the seat and I saw it rose up to 114.. lol

one hundred and fourteeeen BPM oh my God LOL

I was That nervous huh? and ironically that calmed me down a little because I burst out laughing instantly...

because look. at. me.
I am INDEED a drama queen. hahaha

and the ride was smooth, I went to work and got home safely, Alhamdulillah. It's fun in its own way but I think if I were to ride it everyday, I would have to pray harder for my pinggang. Sakit nyiah.

In case you are wondering, Putih (the car I drive) is with my BIL right now cuz Putih is dramatic too apparently— sent her for a check-up that she desperately needed.

am I THE Picasso Jr?

One day when I tried to draw on the whiteboard, I heard one student shouting "Miss, what's that?" to which I replied "Oh you wait. I haven't finished, you gotta guess later" and I continued gliding my hands on the whiteboard, drawing, like the Picasso I thought I was.

10 seconds... 20 seconds... 30 seconds... two minutes.....

tada! 

"Now can you guess?" I asked proudly. 

I felt like that was an excellent piece of work for someone who can't couldn't draw— Picasso Jr. hihi. so I turned around and waited patiently as they squirmed their eyes trying to match my drawing to the words registered in their head.

"Ruler!" I smirked. Correct.

"Table!" I clapped. Correct.

and so on.. and so on...

until they went...

"Miss," they laughed sneakily and continued, "what's that?" pointing at the bag I drew. "It's.." and then I thought... 'isn't it THEIR job to guess?' so I went "Well, YOU guess?

...but they seemed genuinely didn't know that I had to reanalyze my drawing because... they cannot Not know a bag...? Okay, alright, maybe it's my drawing. Sorry kids, I am only a Picasso Junior after all.

and so I broke it to them, "It's a bag", and some of them were nice they went "Oh!" but some of them were not-so-nice they squirmed their eyes again trying to scan that One drawing of mine that I had to even explain "Can't you see? This is the strap.... this is the pocket.." 

and that's how my English classroom turns into an anatomy class of ..a bag. 

Picasso Jr. my ass.

Do I like being alone? Yes, No?

 Alright. Where do I start explaining things so you guys won't get me wrong or think that I am difficult or just fussy and annoying. 

*deep breath and crack knuckles*

When I was in college, I remember writing here to tell you guys that I learned liking to be alone, doing things alone and when I moved out (temporarily) from my parents', I thought whoa, this time is finally it (after all the 'adjusting' 'homesick' drama ofc)

UNTIL...

...NOW that I AM actually alone.

Alright don't call me annoying yet, hear me out.

I... perhaps only like being alone WITH the presence of someone else that I can freely talk to/annoy when I feel bored (...Oh God, that makes me sound like a jerk who treats people like they are an entertainment but no. Let me try and word it right)

—I perhaps only like being alone WITH the presence of someone else whom I can freely talk to/annoy. titik. (is it better now? lol)

Ok the point is, I can't be alone ALONE. I need someone else beside me. because it feels too quiet at times that I feel like running home and honestly Mak Abah would've approved it if I told them I ran home because there were some ghosts around. but no. It's only because there is no one around to make (bearable) noises.

It's worse when I am on my period and feel lazier (than I already am lol) bc I don't even wanna try to busy myself to keep my mind out from those thoughts. Interestingly, I am okay at night when Gee and the rest are around. so that's when I came into such conclusion— that I can't be alone ALONE.

It was only this morning I felt like crying but girl was even lazy to cry that I chose to hold it in so that's when I asked myself... didn't I like being alone? no..no..no. wrong. wrong. I don't like being alone ALONE. you get what I mean? T__________T 

and it's fascinating when I know that there's someone else who is in the same shoes as me as soon as I tweeted about it. now I am not so alone anymore, am I? lol

What a complicated person you are, Hasanah. Go to sleep, really.

Twist, Symbolisms, Setting

I know I've told this many times but Alyn was genuinely the one person I remember wanting to be friend with when we were both 10 years old, for just because. it was, as far as I can remember, the first time I ever made an effort to be someone's friend. nevermind her reply that was kinda boastful and childish to my effort(?), .(..yep i remember them all) I still... idk.. I just want this gurl to be MY friend. but then we parted ways without even properly knowing each other.....

...and boom! 3 years later, there she was standing in front of 1IK. and ofc I recognized her instantly! the first sentence I spoke was "hampa Azlyn kan?" oh.. God's planning.

now she's just ...straight up annoying. 

pls I love recalling such memory because I AM dramatic and this story kinda fits all the drama elements I'd learned. the twist, the symbolisms, the setting. 

oh I remember how I formed my friendship with sfs and gals too, the du'a I prayed, the friends I got. these are the memories of people other than my family that I hope I won't forget. thus, the recalling. and for another phase of my life now- gee. it's just that …I haven't made an effort to type out the words which I swear are in my mind already.

the classic selfie. LOL

We had covid.

it's about time man.

so this was three? weeks ago when I went home for holidays and all of my fam members contracted this virus as soon as we got back from eating at Halab. At that point, we didn't care where and from whom we got it from because our whole kampung was down with it anyway so like I said, it was about time. Was I worried? Definitely. especially for my elderly parents. did I see it coming? Yes and No because we did try our best to protect ourselves too, but God had said "Kun"— be and it is. 

Mak was the first one to get infected and when she was down with it, none of us had symptoms or were positive. It was heartbreaking to us because we had to submit Mak to the hospital as her low oxygen level was worrying. (Thanks to my quick effort to go buy the oximeter as soon as we confirmed her case, yep! defo need that credit!) and so my holidays went by without my mom except for the first and the last few days of the holidays (it's a three-week holidays) 

and two days after Mak got admitted, everyone in the family was infected. what a chain. I took Panadol every 6 hours for two-three days and I became better Alhamdulillah. and I had fun supervising Abah because our friendly banter of me forcing him to take his meds was really hilarious (sometimes. well, until I got serious to counter him as he's always being playfully stubborn)

While I don't want to go through that again, I would say it was a healing experience for me, to remember Him, to remain steadfast in my faith and to grow even closer to my family through ibadah means. All we did was praying, connecting to each other for Mak.

when Mak came back, I was so happy, so grateful, so relieved. Many scenarios were in my mind when we were sending her off to the hospital but oh, God, thank you so much for choosing the best one to come true. Alhamdulillah.

and now Gee is quarantine-ing herself in the room as we speak. Do pray for her.

A month of living ...not so alone.

I am unexpectedly doing good. After the emotional turmoil of ...you know... being away from home, (my previous entry) I am proud to say that I have officially passed that phase. Actually, it's been a while since I found myself enjoying my life now...hihi

The reason why I wrote that I am living ...not so alone is because I have Gee in the house! Even though at times we leave each other to be on our own (read: room), I am still grateful that she's around. if there's someone who always barges into other's room to find comfort; it's me. crashing into her room just so I could lay down and do my stuff... haha what more when she said "I don't mind it" ...girl probably didn't know what she signed up for.

Gee was my high-school friend btw. I honestly didn't remember how we first met because we kinda just became friends one day and I believe Raudatul Azkiya' had a part in it. I probably made friends there more than when I was in my class, really.

so I am living "not so alone" bc I have her. when I feel like going out at night for a drive, she's always up for it! It does feel different when you have a nice friend sitting next to you compared to when you are alone. It's comforting, it's assuring. Both of us are also lazy cooks (for now. because we promised we'd TRY to become rajin) so it kinda adds some points to having a companion for a dinner outside! haha

Although Gee and I have different professions, we still get a lot to talk about. so if I were to tell you if I felt lonely or not, I am definitely not! :D

Adjusting

Right. stepping into a new phase of life will always be about adjusting. adjusting yourself to a new place, friends, environment, state.... school... which is what I am weak at. If accepting reality is a subject in school, I would a get an F. 

I don't think I am a pampered child but I am close with my family + I enjoy little to big things I do at home like annoying my parents and siblings. eg: shuffling into their bedroom to perform an octopus dance then walk out right away kind of daughter/sister? That's the type of person I am at home lol

and there is no one else I could annoy like that here. that's one of the reasons why lah. there are many more reasons and I don't have the energy to type them out— of why I felt sad about this whole thing.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful. Grateful for the job given, grateful to have a good start in my life. there's NO but. The sadness I am writing here stems from something entirely different. It's my own self-conflict and issue.

Perhaps it's about stepping into something much bigger than I was used to.

I thought I was okay, or at least I was gonna be okay. I am 14 now kot? dah besar come on! but after I sent my family away and stepped into my "new" home, alone, I burst out crying instantly! what had made it worse was there was no one else around. the deafening silence I felt was so depressing and that's when I knew that wow, the reality had sunk in badly man. at least in Ipb* I had friends I could instantly hug to make me feel better.. 

then I went into my room, continued crying as I tidied up my stuff, and laid down to sleep. Oh my, I told you I am so weak at this!!! I was thissss close to call my parents to come back and take me home but I held on.

by the fourth day I got so tired of this sorrow and desolation that I formed a new resolve to at least not cry about it. oh, I didn't only cry, I wailed. and red sleeve finale eps had made it even worse (tiber)

It's to the point I didn't know dah what I could do to make me feel better ....until I finally turned to Him. There's like a whisper that reminded me, "Hey, The Almighty is in control of your heart! Remember Him!"

so I started praying a lot. I got deep with Him. I let myself be more specific. I told Him everything. from acknowledging that I was in sorrow and that I was afraid of what this could lead to, to asking for His guidance, to praying to Him to alleviate my sadness. everything. 

and I have no one else but Him to be grateful for, for the people He sent to remind me of Him. Hasanah, put Him first in everything you encounter— struggles, happiness, sadness, grief and He would turn all those into so much more that at the end of the day, you'll find yourself be even more grateful to Him.

so remember Him!