My Last Ramadhan in College

What?

It's already my last Ramadhan in college? a ha..... *smile in pain*

I know Ramadhan is an exceptional, holy month to all of us Muslims but it's especially special to me because when I first came here, it was also on Ramadhan! and now we are wrapping the years in this month too!

I remember sniffling every two nights on my bed (ok lbr.. it's every night), trying to hold myself from breaking into tears so my roommate wouldn't have an idea that her roommate was a weak, vulnerable girl who had never been away from home for 18 years.

but now Alhamdulillah look at me. look at where it brings me. five years man. five years of dealing with whatever shrimps (read: s word) my college put me through until now— my final Ramadhan in college.

There are few circumstances we are facing right now in college where we are locked inside (remember the apocalypse?) therefore no tarawih in masjid, no bazar, no having iftar outside which is nothing new tbh. same old thing as previous year and I am not complaining. 

BUT 

if there is one thing I could wish for, it's praying and having iftar + moreh at the masjid. Oh I miss it so much... I miss the vibes. I miss the aircon especially, and oh, the fluffy carpets. but let's be real now, I miss everything about praying there, even the makciks who always tak rapatkan saf (omg they are winning now, the saf can never be as close anymore) haha 

however, looking at it now, it's not so bad. I have my friends and we are taking turns to be Imam, and we have extra fans which honestly kinda bring the masjid vibes when we used it earlier. so yeaaah.... not that baaaad.. nooooot that bad. kan?

and I have more free time now even though I am actually not supposed to lol but make do of it lah. I have so many goals for this year's Ramadhan too and I am not telling wekk haha.

For all of you reading, I pray that all of our deeds are well accepted by Him and may He grant all of our wishes! Aamiin!

The view from my balcony before 1st Iftar 2021 ^^

Research Report Submission

holla amigos.

alright I know this is not our final assignment submission for this semester, but please PLEASE just let me enjoy this moment of glory for now, at least for a day before I crawl back into reality because

YES I DESERVE IT.

(the other 7 assignments can wait)

I am sure all of my friends can resonate with me on this like, we were literally on the same boat and honestly without them, I don't think I could pull this off. Allah knows how easily distracted I got when I was at home so instead of doing my work, I was always someone who would prefer laying on bed, day-dreaming, really. without Kama and Syaza who often shared their progress with me, I would still be in the dump right now and for that, I feel so, so lucky and to Kak Anih as well for the coffee she made for me every night without fail, I love her.

I know I have so many things in my things-to-do-after-completing-research list but SCRATCH ALL THAT because for now I just wanna have a big feast with my friends!! Alhamdulillah, being  here in college with them is a blessing I didn't know I would feel this grateful for, because, gosh, the energy of everyone typing on the laptops altogether in the same room, the intense energy.. it made me feel like I was in a war.

Ok that's probably an exaggeration.

because rather than typing energetically, there was just a lot of sighs, screams of frustration, me crying over naruto, azmira's snore, lai's classical music, syaza's purrr, hajar's constant laugh over whatever she was watching on her laptop *side-eyeing SJ* and kama's clown energy that turned all of us into one. haha.

so now for the feast, we are ordering sushi king from Mid Valley as we speak and I am definitely going to have fun with them. this is enough for me.

and I am sure gonna miss this.

(not you, research)

where it all happened. 
(excuse the crappy resolution sbb
pakai laptop cam hahahaha lmao)

Back to School

here I am, writing from inside my room in college, this old dark dreary room with just me smiling to myself in front of my laptop trying to arrange my words...

being in my final year, 2 months away from graduating, I don't think I have to explain why I am gonna seize every chance and opportunity to just have fun with my friends.

I came here four days ago and that day was so lovely. I met my die-hard best friend for the first time in.... 5-6 months? Wish you could see how exuberant I was to have spent my time with her. watched a movie, had our lunch in Hanbing and she even drove me to college which I was SO thankful for bc my luggage and bags were no joke.

now that it has come to this I guess I gotta be ready to spend my last Ramadhan as a student here huh... I have no complain though, even though last year was a luxury for me as I had my parents around (which means no worries about the food) so this year.. we'll see. haha.

and uh.. hu... I can't believe it's been almost 5 years... u___u 

chop chop!

gotta finish my thesis first now! 

Deeparayear.

Deepavali+Raya+Chinese New Year = Deeparayear! Cool tak? haha

I remember the same night I laid down on the floor staring at the ceiling waiting for Subuh and I told myself "I can't wait to blog about this party" while smiling like an idiot ..and now that I am actually here...... can the letters type themselves? v.v

preparing for a party is always lively. honestly, what's better than gathering around, roasting your friends, acting like savages WHILE doing your work? tell me. and the food department did a great job frankly! dumplings, vaddai, ladu, apam, our special teh tarik exclusively brewed by Linggesh (cewah) AND more. for me, a party with good food should be done everyday. *pans towards the camera* seriously. 

After embarrassing ourselves in the sudden ad-hoc meeting attended by all students wearing simple, cozy clothes instead of sarees, kebayas, punjabis and cheongsam.. the party began!

We took some pictures, went down to enjoy the live basking, ate, take pictures some more, ate again, aaaand to the grand finale - games! (Kama and I were in this department, we prepared them)

What are games without the loud screaming and yelling, right? We saw it coming honestly - getting shut by the warden I mean. yeah yeah. whatever. Imagine playing charades, stick and stand and musical chairs without screaming. luckily we were almost finishing when the warden warned us *shrugs*

Oh, did I say anything about a quiet game like Mafia game? We played this. I frankly thought it would be boring, but hell... we enjoyed it until 5 in the morning y'all. 

It got so intense I thought the friendship would be over by the time we wrap up the party haha every round you either get painted in a corner or you win. the analysis- I forgot my friends are actually geniuses. As a fully-certified ghost (or bystanders) for more than 3 times, I was impressed! I also wanted to curse so badly. I am sure the other ghosts would relate to that as well. To see my friends' happy faces when they were clearly high and sleepy was entertaining tbh haha and the Muslims just straight away slept after Subuh that night. phew. at least we got to sleep!

...only to wake up the next morning with an announcement that all students are compulsory to go home because of the pkpkpkp. perfect ending me think.

Girls-Only Party!

decided to have a party on a whim when we were having lunch on our first day of cmco. like one second we were eating and the next second we were already planning how to carry out a party without getting caught. and we are so lucky as out of the whole people in this block, we are the only ones left here ...that's why we thought- why not!

and then there goes our preparation! we divided our tasks- from food to decoration to technical support to video maker to creating our own invitation card and poster! we were so involved and indulged in doing the tasks, I forgot when was the last time we had this much fun. haha.

AND the night was epic and crazy! I LOVE how we dolled ourselves to the max to match the event. so so proud of my girls for making this party a success! Special thanks to Kakti for doing everyone's make-up! and Loshini... gosh, I think she mistook her choice to become a teacher instead of a make-up artist.

of how the warden warned us for being too loud, to stopping the music and ran in panic bc we thought there was someone knocking on the door, of the fun games we played together, of chicken popcorns, cokes, wedges, cute brownies, sandwiches, fried chickens, the fairy lights we hanged and the grand songs we picked. just 13 young people vibing with the music, feasting, dancing and laughing. How do I tell my friends that I want this event every weekend guys? 

we even had a montage video specially made by hajar. and gosh old videos and photos of us were in the montage, i felt overwhelmed- embarrassed, sad, touched and happy all at once. prop to hajar! *clink glasses* the karaoke session too, phew! talent!

definitely the one night that I won't forget.

yes.

I felt... stupid?

I am not stupid. I am THE teacher.  I am not stupid. I am THE teacher.  I am not stupid. I am THE teacher. *chants this endlessly*

Ok, the class now is tad different from my previous school. The kids are advanced.. at least that's what I thought. Therefore I got all anxious and nervous by myself teaching them. I mean, I was not wrong to feel that. You see, I love when kids ask questions. for example when my nephew asks things like 

"Macam mana burung boleh terbang?"
"Sebab burung ada sayap"

"Kenapa burung ada sayap?"

 .......yes okay. listen hadif.. *opens the book of 100 white lies you can tell your nephew*

However this time I can't really lie. I am the teacher. (I mean trainee teacher. but the kids don't know that) and so you are expected to know mooore than Google. I mean awh, I am flattered but I am not that smart, darling. 

I don't hate it, come on! I told you I LOVE when kids ask questions. Whatever the questions may be- stupid, nonsense, academical. It's just that I was toooo anxious that sometimes when I got asked out of nowhere, I would doubt my answer and prefer to "Ok let me Google" to make sure my answer is correct. Most of the time it is. see where the issue lies? my confidence.

"Why is Port Dickson called Port Dickson, Miss?" ugh. I think it's the name of the.. but WAIT. what does that have to do with my lesson now?!?! *cekak pinggang*

Haih kids.

Oh but now I think I have gained my confidence back seeing their workbook. I mean *evil laugh* dear dear, you have a lot to learn, like me! anyway they are at least advanced speaker so my instructions always get through easily and that is truly something I am grateful for! 

so yep,

I shall not be stupid. I am the teacher. 

Adjusting Life

two words - NAK NANGIS.

the end.

that's what I actually felt the first five days I was here.. weird sangat, macam tak boleh nak adjust dah duduk sini. I feel defeated tbh bc gosh I can't believe I am 22 and still act like that huhu therefore, I stopped acting tough and just cried my heart out. like a kid I am.

and I felt sooo relieved after that, and... I finally feel adjusted.

Apart from the fact that I am going to shoulder bigger responsibilities now, I am beyond delighted that I finally met my friends!! my happy!! pills!!! 

pastu apa lagi ek...

oh, school is fun too. I haven't known the kids long enough to talk about them but I hope they are at least adorable and not just ..plain evil. please.

Kakti is still in a happy relationship. I am happy for her.

Kama is still ...a crack. I laugh at every thing she does, the same way she does to me. two idiots, we are.

Hajar.. oh, sorry, including her.. three idiots. 

Syaza.. she's still purring. glad the purr did not change into a roar now. basically, she's the same.

Mira.... just as assertive as she is, with Lai clinging along. What a sight. 

Kak Maine.. now now.. wow. can't tell much, it's a secret but I looove her help. definitely one that makes me feel at home. 

don't wanna part with them, but I absolutely can't wait to graduate. less than a year left! we can do this girls!

Hilarious Video-Call

wouldn't be here if it ain't for the video call with syaza. 

we. were. hilarious. 

this is just one of those moments we would probably enjoy doing in IPBA now if we weren't stuck at home. but hey, doing it virtually is fun too. I'll take it. I can't remember the last time both of us sat together to unleash all the inappropriate jokes we have in our minds.

oh come on, we all have that one friend, or MORE THAN ONE FRIEND that choke up bantering just about anything meanwhile you just sit there staring while holding your laugh, waiting for your friend to ACTUALLY start telling her jokes, snorting in between. no?

like this?

We were on a good track and I thought the discussion was going to end smoothly with no damage to our lungs for laughing too much. but nope *cross the list with a big X mark* not today. honestly, poor the screen. it had to witness us losing our minds over small things we joked about, that I am sure we could have been slapped if it was actually a living thing. 

The thing with syaza is that, we can literally stare at each other and burst into laugh. so you can imagine how it was like video-calling with her and even so, we tried so hard to suppress our laugh (because we are at home and it was late at night too. we don't wanna make pontianak jobless) Syaza and I shared so much common ideas, even when they are sometimes stupid and nonsense hahaks and I guess that is why we can comfortably speak to each other. 

and I am so grateful for her, for each of my friend. It's a blessing to be surrounded by friends that wouldn't expose me for the things I do (for obvious reason haha) actually, more like they couldn't because I have the exact same thing against them too. This is how the friendship is withheld tbh, in case you are curious.

Ok but my friends are honestly a bunch of fun people. I don't have many, I really only have a few to express my honest feelings to, so they mean a lot to me. Hope it's the same case for them too (who knows if one of them is actually waiting to kill me, you can't be too complacent with people hhh)

Anyway, I miss my friends so much. really can't wait until the day when the only thing that keeps us apart is the distance less than 1m. aw. haha night!

What Writing a Research Proposal Feel Like to Me

hahahahahahahahahahah
hahahahaha
haha ha
ha ha (gelak nervous)

After a few weeks of keeping my nose to the grindstone, battling and smashing the keyboard to finish my research proposal, I am very happy to say that I get to live to see another day. I don't think people have an idea about how exhausting the life of uni students are right now and sadly I am no exception, except that I am from IPG and we probably have it worse. 

Ever since online classes started, there is an abundance of tutorials to do INDIVIDUALLY and to top all of that, we have to complete our assignment too, which sounds normal? ugh come on? everyone in uni does that.

until... it was time for me to work on my research proposal.

I might be exaggerating saying that it has damaged me a lot? but yeah I guess it's fine to sup coffee day and night, and let that caffeine drove my anxiety up hill, messing with my sleeping pattern and my relationship with my family. yep. no big deal. except that it made me feel stressful. extra stressful.

no cafe hopping to de-stress, no taking the lrt to admire the busy cities, no meeting up with friends, and it made me realize how much I had taken the simplest thing in my life, for granted. who would have imagined that we are gonna get confined in our house this long for a life-threatening reason?

so yeah, in a way it stresses me, it also teaches me something– to not take things for granted again. now is the time to reach out to our friends in need, to look around and care for people, to help and lift each other up.. and increase our amalan! our solah, our Quran recitation. now! is! the! time! it's cliche to say all of this you know, but I am glad I get to see it from such a view. I hope the same for all of you too. Come on, we can do this. (Now that I've completed my research proposal, I think I can do EVERYTHING muahahaha)

I hope to spend more time with my family, do all the above and of course, to leisurely lay down in front of the tv all day, too. Oh, I love the tv. and movies. and here's a picture of my humble and messy desk (which has no role at all in this narrative but I guess you might wanna see where I spent most of my day? ..no? haha)

#NP My Love - Baekhyun

The Pandemic and the Chaos

a total pandemonium. a complete mayhem. an uncalled chaos. I can go on to describe what we are going through right now, which I believe no one had seen it coming. but these few days it's at least bearable as I am FINALLY with my family now, after all the headaches. because days ago...

was a mess. Allahuakbar.

when Alyn told me that her semester is postponed because of the pandemic, I had an instinct that it was gonna be bad, but it wasn't that bad to the point of what actually happened, especially a day after our prime minister announced the restricted movement order for the whole country. I was only expecting leaves, and thought everyone would be asked to stay in the hostel. but uh.... I don't know what went wrong..

because as of 12pm the following day, we were suddenly asked to immediately evacuate the hostel along with all of our things. I was so furious that I cried right away... I don't think they have an idea how much I hate packing my stuff, and how tiring it is. but I realized that the frontliners are probably facing much greater difficulties than everyone in the campus had that time, which had actually managed to make me hold my horses.

I think I was more aggrieved at the fact that there was little to no communication between the college admins and the students. Everyone just went around and about with rumors, and imagine the chaos in that? I don't know. I was cool at first, but reading too many versions of orders from different people was getting so annoying and by the time I finished filling in evacuation-related docs with my three other classmates, I got even more furious. It's just too toooooo chaotic. and being an average people, ofc, I had to search for someone to blame. and I finally got to pinpoint it to somebody- our own... gomen. Ugh don't get me started.

Banning mass-gathering yet asking people to line up at the police station to get a permission letter for cross-state travelling? woah. brilliant I must say. and the students who had no choice then started to swamp over the police station, bc guess what? we. were. asked. to evacuate. the hostel. where else did they think we would go to other than home? I thought we were working towards flattening the curve? Gosh, if I go further, I swear one of my keyboard keys would fly out because of my aggressiveness in typing all those words.

Luckily, they took it back the same night. I hoped it was not too late.

Honestly, I am still wondering why they had asked us to leave our hostel. ngl, I was a bit happy, but I must say that it was not a smart move, at all. I just pray that all students aren't contaminated with the virus, and each one of us get to be with our family, safe and sound.

It is a long write, a boring one as well. I think the best part of this post would be how I would tell my children later when all of this is over.

I, your mother, survived a freaking zombie apocalypse.

I pray for everyone who's reading this a great health too!
be safe and just! stay! at home!

McD Pajama Party with GALS

yes you read it right! pajama party in McDonalds Bangsar y'all, bukan beshe beshe ohkaaay! idk what went into our mind that day when everyone collectively agreed that spending the whole night in McD was a great idea.. lol alas, we enjoyed it so much!

the idea was to walk out of our college few minutes before curfew in our (sort-of) pajamas, and get to McD to spend the whole night there, playing games, open up about things, and basically just having fun. and that's exactly what we did. 

even the night was beautiful. I might have regretted a bit en route to McD as we settled on walking instead of hailing a Grab, because it was (annoyingly) tiring (I prefer paying for Grab, easy peasy) HOWEVER, oh my god the view and the night breeze was worth the pain and sweat, like come on? you at least gotta try it once! As it was already late at night, the city somehow looked peaceful, and the neighborhood was endearingly quiet... which is rare to experience in this hustling city. It made the whole strolling with my friends more memorable.

Arrived, finally. Phew.

Strolling

the night went on as planned. we laughed deliriously, we made fun of each other.. just a bunch of girls trying to shift away from reality for the night and wrap it with momentous joy that would be remembered in 10 years' time! Just a simple event we promised to try once. haha

and the laugh is not all! we cried too (as much as I want to believe that it was bc of my yawn LOL gimme a break pls) but let's not get deep into that. I am worried I would spill everything as my fingers type. hahaha till then seeya.

the last women standing in McD that night.
6.30AM.

Camping aka BIG

I went for a camp with my 50 other batch mates last week and oh me gerrrd if i could describe it in one word, it would be:

SATISFYING.

in term of everything.

the way i worked my sweat off (istg it was mega, major, hella tiring), the hours i spent to cuci pinggan and memasak instead of sleeping, and of course the fun and challenging activities I did with my friends- satisfying! feeling tu macam.. you know when something ends then you can't wait to go back and throw urself onto the bed bc you are So satisfied that everything is paid off? yes That.

honestly, even now im still not sure if i have qada' all the sleep i missed during the camp haha

we did activities like abseiling, rafting, kayaking, jungle trekking, masakan rimba, water confidence in the pool (yay berenang!) and ...cooking, for 6 kali sehari. /lap peluh/ and yeeeehaaaaw i Love All the activities! especially abseiling. killed it. ohoks. well, it was all fun and game for the activities until you are the ketua kumpulan for masakan so it gives you space to always be anxious tak ketahuan and you pulak jenis prefer doing things by urselves... imagine. Alhamdulillah my group mates were Oooookaaaay so my worries were for nothing.

to be very honest, i dislike giving orders. scratch that, i *Don't Know* how to give orders. i uncomfortably tried, and idk if i did good? lol but at least my kumpulan cooked so well! and i can't tell how grateful I was. Our delicious tomyam and scrumptious kueytiaw, the drinks. biarlah nak kata masuk bakul angkat sendiri pun ahaks bc most importantly, i learned a lot. it would get predictably boring if i were to write all.

last but not least, i know one thing for sure, that is, everyone wanted to go home asap. i mean, you could tell from our bulging eyes and our weary faces that we were silently pleading "Oh God, we can sacrifice anything and everything in exchange You send us home ASAP."

but I think what gave us away was the laaaast night during our final reflection. one cried, two cried, everyone cried. the chain didn't stop and it went all the way to our lecturer that everyone couldn't tahan their tears and you could hear the sobs. mine excluded bc i was too sleepy... my tears were robbed by my big yawns. but i felt the sorrow, the feelings shared, the nostalgia... needless to tell, i love the vibes. and after that night i guess everyone decided to be on the same boat, which is, agreeing that this camp is extraordinarily the best one. nevermind our sleepless, tiring days and nights, the memories created were too precious and priceless... I guess?

Wohoo! Rafting time! sangat enjoyable :(

What do I feel about becoming a teacher

I am not good with words, but I sure can tell when I first thought of it, I was scared. That might be an exaggeration for some of you who know me, bc to you, I might give off an image of a person that is not scared of anything...

When in truth, I felt extremely nervous, and afraid. Those feels did not come to haunt me until I was 3 days away from my first day of practicum. the thought of handling something, including kids in my case, had given me intense anxiety I never knew I had. All those subjects I scored A had never told me how to cope with this... and it made me felt like I was alone. (I mean, I am always alone tapi ish banyak cakap pulak)

HOWEVER,

the first day after I wrapped up my first class with the kids, I can confidently tell you that I was freed from all those feelings. I swear. Like, I had never been so certain in my life that this is what I have been wanting to do, and how happy I was (still am). idk if it's because of the autonomy I was given in class to control the kids, or maybe, it's the mere idea that I could work my brain off to think how to help the kids, and that there is an abundance of them in my mind in which I could have done had I been given more authority, time and money. It's so amusing that every lesson teaches me something new, things I could do to improve my teaching and particularly, myself. There's no space to get bored at all? and oh my my, wouldn't everyone like it? like being busy doing things you LOVE. 

oh, there was so much I wish I could change within the school itself too but that's for some years to come I guess uhu ajetnye :)

In short, I am happy. and may this happiness and joy of doing this work last until the day I decide there is something happier I can do, but for now, it's this- teaching the kids as their teacher. lastly Alhamdulillah, who could have known that the fragile me 3 days prior first day of my practicum would prefer teaching than attending classes...

time flies. haha.

How college changed me

How college changed me?

The answer is, a lot. except that I am still messy.

First, I learn going out on my own. You know? the whole me before 2016 would be shocked. who would have thought the girl who couldn't even walk pass by a stranger alone could finally go out, take a bus, eat, hang out- all Alone? this whole cycle teaches me lots of things. one of them is- nobody cares about you, so carry yourself, Yourself.

Secondly, (god forbid any of you bringing this up in front of me) my college teaches me how to be grateful. as a fully functioning annoying and fussy human being, I know I badmouth a lot about the condition and facilities in this college, but at the end of the day, God always leads me back to see how things are worse outside, heck some would even do anything to be in my shoes. My mom always stresses me about this, I hardly ever hear her complains. So when I do, she would shut me real quick with words like, 'be patient for Allah wouldn't burden a soul beyond what it can bear'. simple but when uttered by your Mother, it soothes every single burning cell in your body, so you are back to "Ok I am chill now" mark as life goes on while you count your blessings. Well, not until you encounter another problem and there comes again the cycle.

Next, most of my friends before would agree that I was an extrovert, heck even I thought so. but being here, surrounded by housemates who prefer their lone time more than our group time, I found myself following their suit. and I like. it. not attaching yourself to someone really make you stress-free. I get to know myself better too, especially on what /I/ want. All thanks to them. I love them so much. I am never restricted to hold onto my own opinion even if it is different from theirs. We fight and we correct each other, without any sarcastic remark and any personal feelings involved or without any unnecessary rolling eyes needed. Gossip? this is the best part of my housemates. We speak little about other people... like honestly. Is this how an adult life like? bc... I kinda like it but I hate the fact that I am /gasp/ 21 now..... what. the. apple.

My housemates are really like my family. Maybe because when I am with them, I am 95% myself so I am always super happy. Ok enough about housemates I am gonna end up writing a whole post about them. With that I wanna correct myself: My housemates are annoying I Hate Them. Thank you.

All these changes weren't the one I had in my mind when I prayed to Him to give me friends and surrounding that would strengthen me, way before I came here.

You know what I had in mind? strength from people who would /support/ whatever I do or think. but you see what He gave me? Circle of friends of the complete opposite. and with that, I gain strength of gripping myself better than I ever did before. His plans are indeed the best! in a way I got what I had prayed for too! Alhamdulillah.

also the most prominent change in myself is my melatah has switched from "oh mak hang" to "oh mak Kau" ah, am i Proud.

Class Drama '18

tesl students and dramas cannot be separated. i repeat. canNOT.

it was fun for me at least! i prayed all day for me not to get chosen as a prop leader whatever, or anything to art leader- and yay! Alhamdulillah!

There were times I was frustrated, mad and annoyed but thinking that everyone was probably trying their hardest to show their best, I just- aww lil munchkin it's okay you did a good job <3

Talking about that... I always feel the need to assure people they are doing fine, maybe because I wish people would do the same for me kahkah 

wait omg im so annoying. let's get back on the drama track.

oh there was one thing exhibition team had asked- childhood photos. i messaged my fam and they said i had none. lmao. ok. (all the conspiracies of me being adopted is probably true now) so I handed in my sis' childhood photo and I feel so... sorry for everyone who was fooled thinking it's me😔 it's not like we sisters had any difference anyway zzzzz

I took a role of a scammer too, close to a witch idk..? it was just a minor role. there were times I felt tired practicing and helping other teams but I think it all worth it? and I am so gonna miss it but to go through it again??? LOL NO. THANKS.

aaaand we did an excellent job on the stage!! Mr. VC even asked us to perform this drama on other stages and to never stop acting.. haha i cringed so badly but.... thanks.. I guess.. and to the audience who came in a swarm to congratulate and say that they enjoyed our stage.. thank you hihi

that's all! bye!

The Ultimate 10

the ultimate last 10!!!!! days!!!! of Ramadhan!!!! (although we are left with just 6 nowㅎ) For ramadhan, I always strive to make the most out of it so I could brag about it to myself, for the past years. I mean, I want to proudly say to one-year-ago me that I manage my deeds better this year. Honestly there's nothing more meaningful than to beat your own self in records, deeds and achievements. but sometimes, (I mean most of the times) I lay back too much too.. but hey! that's when I get to be in my reflective mode and start to fight again!!! I guess being away from home (home is a distraction in disguise) and around friends of the same goals for Ramadhan really posed an advantage for me. Alhamdulillah sangat-sangat. If I were alone, I could have not done better. but I wish I could tell myself that it's fine to be alone too bc that way, I can be the influencer, the starter. ha... and now back to me when I arrived home. I had my period as soon as I reached here and ya Allah, I was so ashamed of myself, probably still is. After all the favors He had showered upon me, His Mercy that He never fails to prove me.. idk man. BUT for He is The Most Forgiving, The Exceedingly Beneficent.. remember, He'll always be there to forgive us.. repentance is literally the only thing we need. Imagine committing sins worth a mountain but all those are ceased to nothing just by laying your head down on the prayer mat, reflecting. Oh You, indeed is The Most Merciful. Seek for it while we are still given the chance- this life. Now fast-forward to the start of last 10 days of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah. This blog was meant to be just for myself but since I have like 4 readers now (lol) I'll just let you know that Ramadhan this year could totally pass as a mentor to my next one, at least in few aspects because I know I am still lacking in lots of things... I swear. But anyway, I still feel so so blessed that I am given such invitation from Him in terms of health and will to perform the best I could in this Holy Month. Greatly thanks to my parents and SFS Home isn't a place of distraction after all! I can't already wait for next Ramadhan already Ah.. how fun Ramadhan is (and other months too) when you can practice ﻓَﺎﺳْﺘَﺒِﻘُﻮﺍْ ﺍﻟْﺨَﻴْﺮَﺍﺕِ. Be competitive in doing good deeds, not only with others, but also within ourselves! It's never too late as long as we are still breathing just fine. Do anything we could to give our best! Often we seek for excellence in duniawi, sometimes we forget that there's another place for us to work on- akhirah! and That dear self, serves as a reminder to me too, most importantly. With that, thank you!

Forced to Move into a New House

My morning was extremely cheerful. Hajar and I were even sashaying to our own beat and guess why! it was bc we read joongki and hye gyo's  marriage news! true beauties, aww. not to forget, at exactly 12 a.m. the same day, we were celebrating kak maine's birthday so frickin joyfully too. we truly didn't see what was coming.

takda angin takda ribut, ip*a suddenly asked us to move. into. another. house.

Are we a joke to them? I was so so enraged. and mad. very mad. they actually asked us?? who just moved in bc our room previously was badly damage, into another house again????????? 

no, oh my god do they seriously think we bring only ONE small bag of our stuff? uhm? there are like 10 bags though? and upon confirming the news, I cried so hard that I pengsan right after that (tertidor). and then woke up to a headache after. I felt so down. fuh I can't explain the resentment and hatred I was holding at that moment and I hate how they turned me into a state I had never even seen before in me. It was peak frustrating feeling and highkey tiring istg.

and ofc, being that clingy anak mak, I called and talked to my mom and OMG I wonder again-

"Why moms are SO GREAT?"

they are really a comfort. talking to my mom was like consuming sedative pills. I became so calm and immediately started to see the bright side of what had happened to us. Mak reminded, Allah won't burden a soul beyond it can bear! That's it! Instantly, I turned from being a pessimist into an optimist. (special credit to: mom!) and I can say I moved on so fast from this tragedy. yes. tragedy.

and because it was Kak Maine's birthday, I didn't want to focus much on our hapless day so yeah we tried to shift the mood as Kak Maine was affected too. To do that, Kama and I treated her a cup of TeaLive and thanks to Kama the mood was lifted up pretty quickly. Well, I know I can always count on her, we are merrily connected and at least we manage to pinch Kak Maine's chin up, as well as ours.

and today mark the day. I have packed some of my things, getting lethargically ready to move out tomorrow. still feeling indolent. and ugh have I mentioned about how we had fought with the authority to let us stay but to no avail? sighs. All I can do now is to be positive for I believe everything happens for a reason.

Hm, will dearly miss you, rumah 602B T_____T

I need HOME

Months passes.. (2 months je pun)

Last saturday was my first time getting sick without having my parents around. It doubles the pain :<  My ear swelled so badly and I had a fever. The next day, I straightly went to ppum and I waited for 4 damn hours to see the doctor just for her to say "I'll arrange an appointment for you"

Yes, even littlest thing like this made me cried. I cried. I was waiting like a corpse, freezing and she didn't even give me ubat demam!

I wasn't mad at the doctor but I was mad at myself. I made my friends wait for me when they could have done their assignments that day. I stole their precious time for me. I felt like a freaking selfish  lass! Sure I have assured them to go back

but they insisted to stay. For that I was thankful but.. only He knows how guilty I was the entire day.

It has been 6 days now and my ear hasn't gotten any better yet (a little bit better perhaps, Alhamdulillah but it's still swollen) However, I still need my magic pill,

my home.

so tomorrow, insyaAllah I'm coming home.